The Anchorite

Thoughts from May 13th, 2010

2010-05-13T09:48:00.001-07:00

This is Ascension Thursday and the Fatima anniversary and anniversary of the attempted assassination of J2P2 on this day 1981.

The goal is to become like a newborn again. We are called to be born again that's what he said and that's what he means. The goal, to be completely one with God, is to have the same will, what he wants I want and what he does I do. That takes total surrender. Total dependency. It's like putting yourself in your CD player and hitting the random button. You have no idea what song is going to be chosen; you just know you're going to like it because you've put in all your own discs. To become the Son to his Father, slave to his master, follower to his leader, bride to his bridegroom, jelly to his peanut butter, body to his head, is easy and also incredibly hard. Easy in that we knew how to do it when we knew nothing and hard because we need to unlearn to be born again. May there be no difference between your will and my will, Lord Jesus.

When you truly become obedient and want only to do the will of the Father he rewards you by making his will the servant of yours. It is only in rebellion against the Father that we lose our freedom. By wanting what he wants we are set free.

I think listening to Protestant Christian music is dangerous. The error in their theology is subtle and can set you up to doubt the Truth. It is better to listen to secular music in which the differences are so stark that it is less a threat to your faith as long as you don't start believing what the secularists are preaching.

I often find signs that the world will end very soon and at the same time I see reasons to think it will go on for a very long time.

Disobedience to legitimate authority is always a sin, sometimes serious. It is not freedom.

I think my mental illness was given to me by God in punishment for my sins, but I also know that it is a great gift.

Thoughts from May 11th, 2010

2010-05-11T06:38:00.000-07:00

There is a lot of pressure in our culture to be a leader, but most of us will be followers. Why isn't there instruction on how to be a good follower/servant/slave/child. Christians believe that they are called to be little children before a loving Father, but we are pressured to be the father instead of the son. A child follows the parent not the other way around. God bless the happy follower.

In a family you have father, a mother, and at least one child. The Holy Trinity is a family, a communion of persons, three divine persons being one God. The Father is the dad; Jesus is the son. Could the Blessed Virgin Mary be the Holy Spirit? Could the feminine be in the Godhead? I think so.

It's interesting that you can't really appreciate the excellency of something until you've achieved some degree of excellence in it yourself. You can't really appreciate great writing unless you are a pretty good writer yourself. Decent basketball players appreciate Le Bron James more than someone who's never shot hoops. Souls who have achieved some degree of holiness appreciate the Saints more than the unrepentant sinner. For me the exception seems to be the Blessed Virgin Mary. She is excellency personified and I don't appreciate her. Pray for me, Mother.

Don't be too hard on yourself when you sin, we were conceived broken. Original sin.
Don't be too easy on yourself when you sin, we must always strive for perfection. Original destiny.

St. Francis of Assisi: “Preach always, when necessary use words.”
Karman: “Preach always, when necessary use facebook.”

Part of me wants the world to go on forever because I see so much goodness.
Part of me wants the world to end because of our wickedness.
Come, Lord Jesus!

Doing the will of God is like being at a wedding feast when you were a toddler and you are dancing with your father. You are standing on his feet and every impulse or movement he makes is mirrored in you. His desire is your desire.

Just because you are doing God's will doesn't mean that you are going to be right all the time. You can be doing God's will perfectly and also be fooled. Someone could lie to you and you could fall for it and still be doing God's will. Sometimes God wants us to make mistakes. But God never wants us to sin. Never.

God's will is exceedingly amazing. Our social nature is a reflection of the social nature of the Trinity. God communicates his will to us through the words and actions of others. By encouragement and even when they are trying to hurt us. We can always learn from everyone we just need to know how to react, when to agree and when to disagree. We can learn by rejecting someones advice. We must separate the wheat from the weeds.

We are not meant to be alone; we don't have to have all the answers on our own; we don't have to feel isolated. The unforgivable sin is being freely, absolutely and finally convinced you are alone. It is a lie, but unfortunately some fall for it. Why do so many commit suicide or at least attempt it? They have lost hope. I speak from experience I was convinced I was alone five years ago and I tried to take my life. But God's mercy wouldn't leave me there.

The letter of the law is important; words and ideas matter, but they are not the only consideration. The letter of the law is like having the Truth. The spirit of the law is like having Love. Love is great, but everyone claims to have Love and there can be a zillion definitions of it. Truth needs Love. Love needs Truth. Letter and spirit are inseparable.

Thoughts from May 10th, 2010

2010-05-11T06:37:00.000-07:00

There are six major covenants throughout salvation history and also six stages of motion all humans go through as they develop:

Adam and Eve = marriage covenant compares to the cuddling phase of our life;

Noah and his family = the household covenant compares to the crawling phase;

Abraham and his clan = the tribal covenant compares to the standing phase;

Moses and Israel = the national covenant compares to the toddling phase;

King David and Israel = the kingdom covenant compares to the walking phase, and

Jesus and the Church = a world-wide covenant compares with running.

Perhaps there will be a seventh covenant, a cosmic covenant, when we learn how to fly.

I have recently heard that that 1800 young people in the United States attempt suicide every day. I can relate to this because I also have attempted suicide and have thought about it hundreds of times. So is the nature of mental illness. The youth in this generation are under incredible pressure and need our prayers, support, and guidance. But above all they need authentic, loving discipline from their parents and guardians.

This is going to sound too simplistic, but I believe it to be true. If you want to do God's will, pray for the Lord to increase your love.

The “Greatest Generation” was formed by the Great Depression. Does greatness come only out of great tragedy?

I don't have a warm relationship with the Blessed Virgin Mary. I think it is because I think so highly of my biological mother. I think I'll relate better with BVM when my mother goes on to her heavenly reward.

You are doing God's will if you are not committing sin, it is that simple. We have tremendous freedom to do what we want. We can eat of any tree in the garden except the tree of sin. As long as we do not sin, do not offend God in the least, we are doing His will perfectly.

I love to fart; I think everyone does deep down. The thing is it is not socially acceptable or a kindness to our neighbor. When you are alone, let it rip, but when in public, out of love for neighbor, refrain. It is a sign of friendship and closeness to the other if you are comfortable farting in their presence. I find that interesting; stinky, but interesting.

Why is there a requirement in our Constitution that the president be at least 35 years old? What is magical about the age 35? Does it have to do with the fact that Jesus Christ was younger than 35?

I am greatly re leaved that not even Jesus was perfect in his human nature while he walked the earth. He did the Father's will perfectly, but he was not perfect in everything he did. For example, Jesus might have snored, he might have been a bad athlete, he might have had acne, etc. We are too hard on ourselves when we are frustrated with our unsinful imperfections. Even our dear Lord and Lady had them. We have enough legitimate guilt from our actual sins we don't need to invent guilt.

What is the difference between guilt and shame? Guilt is knowing you've offended the one you love and shame is only knowing you've been caught.

Hope

2010-03-12T08:13:00.000-08:00

Lord Father,
send me your grace this hour
to die rather than offend you
in even the slightest way.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

I know I've written a lot lately; is anyone still reading? I understand if you're not; it's a lot to take in.

We tend to think that Jesus only got mad when he threw the moneychangers out of the temple, but if you read the Gospels, he at least raised his voice many times. Count the times there is an exclamation point after one of his statements and you'll realize he was a very emotional, passionate guy.

I think in a lot of ways we are like the Pharisees. We wash and clean our hands twelve thousand times a day and think that if we do we will never get sick and we're just being prudent. Bullshit. If God wants you to be sick for the greater purpose of the universe, you'll be sick; and if he wants to preserve you from illness that is his call also. I'm not saying we shouldn't wash our hands, but we have to keep it in perspective. The Pharisees cleaned all the time and condemned those who didn't and Our Lord rarely washed his hands; who do you want to follow?

Most of the time my prayers are for one intention, an intention that includes all others: for the greater glory, honor, and praise of God and the salvation of the world. So I am praying for all of your intentions, every hour of the day, if it fits into that intention. You can ask me to pray for you, but I already am.

I'm alone, but not lonely. I have a deep relationship with the Lord, so in a sense I am never alone, but in the eyes of the world I spend a lot of time alone, so I must be anti-social; not so! I love being around people sometimes, but for the most part I crave my alone time with my Jesus infinitely more. I can carry on a conversation with just about anyone, but I get the sense that others are uncomfortable talking to me. There are a few rare people that accept me, warts and all: Mom and Dad, Fr. Jim Vanden Hogen, Zach Lulloff, April Jaure, and that's about it. Yes, sometimes I get lonely, but I am not more lonely than any one else. Two people can be sleeping together in bed and feel alone. You can't base decisions on whether or not you think you will be alone. Loneliness is an emotion and you have no control over it. It comes and goes. Deal with it.

I don't know if this experience is unique to me, but people rarely criticize me when we are alone. But when we are in a group I am criticized all the time, sometimes quite harshly. Is it cowardice?

I can't read minds, I can't tell if you are bluffing in poker, but I am good at detecting bull shit and dishonesty. And it is pure gift; I did nothing to cultivate it, I did nothing to desire it, it was just given to me. The greatest things in my life are pure grace and I accept them with joy. Thank you, Lord!

I wait until the last possible moment to make a decision. The devil will deceive you and you have to trust the Holy Spirit to guide you. Jesus said that when you are taken to court you should not worry what you are to say, the Holy Spirit will give you the words to say. Trust is very pleasing to the Lord.

I either like, dislike, or am neutral about a person when I meet them. In 41 years my initial assessment has never changed once I get to know the person. I am either a really good or really bad judge of character. There is room for much grey in this area.
If you only do good to family and friends why do you think that pleases God? Even murderers and satanists do good to their friends. Love of enemy is true and sacrificial love; it is the Love of the Cross.

I'm like a human mirror; I show people what they are and sometimes they don't like what they see.

Recently, since I think I'm growing in holiness, I thought it would be cool to be a canonized Saint. My friend said that that was a dangerous motivation. At first I resisted his critique, thinking that shouldn't everyone want to be a canonized Saint? Upon further reflection I believe he is right. It is dangerous to desire recognition for holiness. By the mere fact that I desired recognition proves that I'm unworthy of canonization. Thank you, Zach.

It really scares me that I'm being used in a very powerful way. God can use anyone to get his message out, but only the holy will rest in him in Heaven. I look at ordained priests; the good Lord calls them to stand in his place, to be Him on earth in a very special way, they are the head, the authority of the Body of Christ the Church and there are some who still fall. Just think of the priest sexual abuse scandal. I am worried I am setting myself up for a similar fall. I am not a priest, but the Lord has given me heavenly visions and explained truths hidden since the beginning of the world to me. If I let this go to my head I'll start to think I've earned these visions. Nothing could be further from the Truth. It has been pure gift. I am the least of men. I have broken everyone of the ten commandments numerous times, every commandment! But in God's infinite mercy I have been forgiven. May I, may we, endure to the end in Faith, Hope, and Love (1 Corinthians 13).

Lord Father,
send me your grace this hour
to die rather than offend you
in even the slightest way.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

Genuflect to Him as often as I can and kiss His right hand if he'll let me. Genuflect before him whether He is in the hands of Him or an extraordinary minister.

The validly ordained deacon, priest, or bishop is Christ Jesus the servant, one who sacrifices, and Teacher and Ruler, respectively.

The Lord Jesus is the King of kings and Lord of lords and God of the gods and sits at the center of all of creation and His Mother is the Queen and is seated at His right hand. Also, though Jesus is in the center of creation He sits at the right hand of Our Father and the distance between the Son (and the center of creation) and God the Father is the Holy Spirit who surrounds and is in all the elect. The holy angels and saints are everywhere that the Trinity is because they have been found worthy. I want to be seated on the other side of Mary, but it isn't up to Jesus to place me there and I don't pray for it, but hope to merit it by hoping for it and appealing to my Father from whom all good things come. Blessed be the name of the Lord who made Heaven and Earth from now until eternity breaks forth. Amen.

Does that make any sense?

Lord Father,
send me your grace this hour
to die rather than offend you
in even the slightest way.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

This has been a good, interesting, and extraordinarily difficult Lent. With the complete and total union with God and everything. Amen to God may He always be praised!

I have the greatest and most important job in the known universe. I pray for the greater glory, honor, and praise of God and the salvation of the world.

I work 168 hours a week, but am rarely tired; I am the size of an NFL linebacker, but I cry at the drop of a hat; I have left the state of Wisconsin once in the past decade, but I've been everywhere including Hell; I've seen the devil, but not Satan; I own little, but possess everything; I like few, but love all; my Mother is in Heaven and my mother lives in Mishicot; at midnight I see the brightest Light; I sleep little, but well; I'm a mystery, but not an enigma; I'm complex on the outside, but very simple in my core; can't wait for Heaven, but love the battle of earth; have been redeemed and saved, but know that I must persevere until the end or will lose my salvation; pray that all will be saved, but know that might not be possible; was a “C” student in school, but am the smartest person I know; hope to have the faith greater than a mustard seed, but would rather have more than a quark of Love; enjoy science fiction space dramas, but often times don't care for their theology; think Harry Potter is a pagan, though I haven't read any of the books or seen any of the movies (life's too short to waste time on the unimportant); don't read the newspaper, listen to the radio, or watch much TV, but I know the current events; can't stand the occult, horoscopes, or superstitions not because they scare me, but because they are just ugly, like their father; my favorite song is Canon in D and I often play it on the guitar, but I play it as Canon in C, the chords are easier to play; I'm listening to Elvis Costello right now and I'm likin' it; I LOVE my life and wish everyone could be as happy as I am; I have had more pain, suffering, and disappointment than most, but have been loved, graced, and consoled more than most; used to be paranoid, but now I have surrendered; was scared by the “Wizard of Oz”; don't remember my dreams except to know the they are bizarre; have a mediocre short term memory, but an incredible long term memory; am the most open, probably too open, and courageous person I know; probably the laziest and most slothful person I know; think facebook is too trivial and that's enough for now. Amen.

I have the best retirement plan known to man.

Think April Jaure is incredible.

I struggle with thinking the end of the world is right around the corner. I guess I have a little Jack Van Impe in me. Haha.

I wish I had wings.

Own my last car. After this one it is walking, taking the bus, or relying on friends.

Time crawls when I want it to go fast and goes fast when I want it to go slow.

1984 is my favorite novel.

Almost killed a kid once.
I spend over half of my income on my house.

Most people don't know what to think of me, but I believe people respect me.

I've loved and lost.

Was very shy when I was young and now I'm not.

Born to Blog

2010-03-12T08:12:00.001-08:00

Feel like my hand is being directed by the spirit world and don't know if it is good or bad.

Sometimes when we think God is telling us something it is actually the Devil. You will know a tree by its fruit.

Am annoyed by people who say it is the Holy Spirit that directs everything they do. It is as if they are saying they can do no wrong.

I find it difficult to pray the Rosary, but I do it anyway because I believe my Mother, Father, and Brother want me to.

I like puppy dogs and world peace.

Boxers over briefs.

Not a liberal nor a conservative. Not a progressive nor a traditionalist. Not orthodox nor heterodox. Not a Republican nor a Democrat. I'm simply Catholic.

Have recently been born again.

Good at content, but not so hot at presentation.

Want what I don't have.

Want to be a Saint and think that there is something wrong with you if you don't.

Thinks it is a shame that everyone is too busy to pray.

I have all I need and most of what I want.

God is never outdone in generosity. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I have broken all ten of the commandments; I am the least of men.

I have loved God and neighbor as much as I possibly can by the grace of God; I am the greatest.

We are told we are all equal, but I don't think we are equal in all things. Le Bron James doesn't have to practice as much as Joe Schmo Benchwarmer to be an incredible player, so where is the equality in that. I'm retired at the age of 41 and am rich and didn't earn it and God loves me more than most, so where's the fairness in that.

I could be the next Hitler or Stalin or then again the next St. Francis of Assisi. We all have the potential to be very, very, very vicious and very virtuous. Choose well! I pray that you and I both will.

You might think that you can't go wrong listening to “Christian” music, but you can. The intention of the artist is very important. You could take a nude photo of a woman and one would be pornography and the other would be art. I have heard of a modern band that shrouded its lyrics in Latin and its melodies in Gregorian Chant, but the content was vile. You might say that if you can't understand it, there is no harm, but all of us have listened to people communicate in a language we don't understand and still get a general impression of what they are saying. I'm not saying that all Christian music, or even most, is written in a code that is the tool of the devil, but we need to be careful. Our enemy is very clever and how do you attack faithful Christians? You twist the truth and go where they are. Satan doesn't waste his time twisting Christian themes in underground, occult music circles it wouldn't be effective, he sticks his pitchfork everywhere, but he has limited resources and is running out of time and he really, really hates us. But there is hope. The devil can do nothing without God allowing it and God only allows things that can build up the elect. Fear God, not the devil.

The “once saved, always saved” theology you hear on Christian radio, and I'm listening to it right now, is very, very dangerous. It gives a false sense of security. If you think you have everything taken care of, you are capable of anything; if you think you can't sin, you will do anything. If you think God will not judge you after your “born again” experience you are fooling yourself. Jesus told us to deny ourselves, pick up our cross, and follow him DAILY. It is not a one and done thing. Justice demands that we must persevere. True, Christ took all the sins of the world to the Cross, but we need to “work out our salvation in fear and trembling.” I'm not saying that we need to live in a fear of being struck down to hell for every little transgression, but a healthy Fear of the Lord is needed. Fear of the Lord is the most important gift of the Holy Spirit and Scripture often calls it the beginning of Wisdom.

From the Desert

2010-03-12T08:02:00.000-08:00

Lord Father,
send me your grace this hour
to die rather than offend you
in even the slightest way.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

I've noticed that when I'm being artistic, (in my case, praying, playing guitar and writing) I am the most prolific when I get out of the way and open myself up to the spirit world. This can be either good or bad. It can feel good, either way, and people can praise or reject it, either way. So how do you know it is from God? The fruits of the Holy Spirit are: Love, Joy, Peace, Kindness, Patience, Faithfulness, Goodness, Generosity, Gentleness, Modesty, Self-Control, and Chastity. The tree will be known by its fruit.

It's as if my soul finally got its wings.

Though I haven't had much, I imagine that success and riches are heavy burdens. All that stuff must just wear you out. My self-esteem is sky high and all I've had in life is failure. I am the least and I think I'm the greatest. If I actually had success and riches I'd be the devil himself.

'We don't need hair shirts to do penance anymore, our neighbor is our hair shirt' – Fulton Sheen

Lord Father,
from you I want praise,
from them I want pity.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

I chose Hell, and it is easier than you think, a short time ago, but the Lord in His great mercy and love would not let me go, but I must persevere in faith, hope, and Love until the end if I am to make it.

The way is narrow that leads to life and those who find it are few or something like that.

I imagine that it is both difficult and rewarding to wear priestly clerics or for nuns to wear their habits in public. You are either admired or hated. And by your conduct you represent Christ more than the rest of us.

When I think about the holy people in my life, I either hated them or loved them. Not because of anything they did, but what I did.

Holy people don't always make you feel good. But if you're honest they make you better. They look through us to our soul and see the true us.

Either something has changed about me or something has changed about all my family and friends because I'm getting strange looks from people who know me. Since I find it hard to believe that everyone else has changed, it must be me. But I don't feel strange. It's just that I'm striving for perfection now and that wasn't the case before.

Even though I have been very tired lately, time goes by very slowly when I try to rest and I haven't been sleeping much.

To make a statement like this might disqualify me, but I think I'm becoming holy.

Recently, when I focus hard on being genuine, instead of my usual guarded, careful self, I am more genuine, careful, and true.

Just had a conversation with my neighbor, she is alone, boring, but sweet and likes to talk, I usually am in a hurry to get off the phone. This afternoon I actually listened to her and had a conversation with no timetable, she is not boring after all, no one is, it's just that I wasn't loving enough. I'm sorry, Lord, against you and you alone have I sinned, but know, when the truth be known, that I was created evil and you made me this way. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Amen.

Lord Father,
send me your grace this hour
to die rather than offend you
in even the slightest way.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

I feel the best I've ever felt,
I feel the worst I've ever felt,
I feel the most alive I've ever felt,
and all of this at the same time.
Amen.

I don't blame any one for not liking me, I don't like myself most of the time, but it doesn't affect my self-esteem. Even though I don't like myself, I think I'm the best thing going. I think I'm smart, funny, sensitive, interesting, good-looking, talented and loving. And I have the self-knowledge to know I'm obese, stubborn, willful, self-centered, conceited, prideful, sinful, greedy, horny, lazy, irritable, addicted to nicotine, a slow reader, vain, unforgiving, and evil.

I have the gift of honesty.

What is it about boxer shorts that make them so comfortable? I could literally wear them in public without any pants; and I have.

I am more happy now than I have any right to be; the Lord is truly too good me and is never outdone in generosity. I have never held a job for longer than a few years and others have worked so much harder than me, but I have an advantage. God loves me more than most and it is completely undeserved. Like Abel, Noah, Abraham, Moses, David, Salomon, John the Baptist, Peter, Paul, John the Apostle, John Paul the Great, and currently Benedict the Great, but you could take all of these men and increase it exponentially by the factor of everyone else who's ever lived and it would just start to get close to how much the Lord loves His Mother and Wife.

Like Pope Benedict the Great, God's Rottweiler, the German Shepherd, I am a humble and unworthy servant of the Lord.

There is little I hide or am ashamed of. You can ask me anything.

I sleep little, but soundly. The sleep of the just. Sela h (I don't know what this means, it just feels right)

When I was younger my best friend's mother commented on me and my two brothers. I am the middle child of three boys, no sisters. She said, “Kevin is an angel, Darren is a devil, and you are both angel and devil.” I think she spoke some wisdom. At least in my case.

God has shed his light on me from an early age. My older brother used to beat me up by repeatedly hitting me on the shoulder and other places, but once in a while my guardian angel would make it so it actually hurt him more than it hurt me. Ironically, the beatings stopped once I became bigger than him. Then he wanted to be friends. Through it all I have loved him.

Satan has tried to kill me many times. I was born in a blizzard. I crossed the highway in front of our house at the age of three, I have had many car crashes, many of them because I was drunk, walking on the inter-state highway with my back to traffic, and an unsuccessfully attempting suicide. Why does he hate me so? It's because my humility scares him! I take after my Mother and my mother.

I am the least of all; I am a reluctant Saint.

Holiness and wickedness are polar opposites of a bell curve. On one asymptote is the Blessed Mother, and on the other is all of Hell. We are, to varying degrees, in between. I don't know what the cut off is for getting in to Heaven, but I hope most of us get in. Is it one sigma, two, three, four.....

Why does our culture worship busyness? If you're not doing something, you are wasting time. What ever happened to just being? We are human beings, not human doings. I work 168 hours a week, but I still find time to pray. Are you busier than me?

My greatest secular achievements are: being a starting forward on a 23-1 basketball team in eighth grade, 2nd team all-conference basketball, honorable mention all area basketball, best batting average among the seniors in my class, playing the whole game most games in varsity football, prom court, homecoming court, senior class president, school play, by acclamation of my teammates named the best hitter in football, as a lineman I scored a touchdown, and I was the best 1 on 1 basketball player senior year beating my best friend who routinely scored 30 points a game.

Holiness and wickedness are contagious, but there is a cure for both.

I have no retirement plan. I am completely dependent on the mercy of strangers. I have the freedom of losing everything. Holy poverty.

Confidence is very sexy.

St. John of the Cross rocks. J2P2 must have liked him because he learned Spanish to read him in the native language and he did his first dissertation on his writings. He is one of the most challenging writers ever.

No one will ever call me daddy. That makes me a little sad, but I have been soooooooooo blessed.

Someone in a coma, if properly directed, can work just as importantly as the pope, the U.S. President, and the Secretary General of the United Nations combined. I'm betting you don't believe me, but it's true.

Everyone has the potential within to be the next Saint or Hitler.

The reason it is difficult to listen to a homily for more than 10-15 minutes is because the deacon, priest, or bishop is speaking the undiluted words of Christ himself. On other occasions it is easy to listen to a priest for over an hour or more, but in the homily at Mass Christ is present in him in a very special way.

I have chosen Hell more times than I care to remember, but through the mercy of the Lord I have been set free.

I didn't think it was possible, but I'm on less medication than I was. I might be under medicated, but I was over medicated for so long that it is good to be alive again. I just hope I'm not headed for some more pain, namely, the hospital and loss of freedom and enslavement again. If I were manic, I wouldn't even be able to write anything down because I would have so much energy.

Oh, happy fault that gained for us so great a Savior.

This could be my worst fall; I've really pissed him off this time, but I couldn't care less; I'm doing what the Lord created me to do and may the devil be damned. No pun intended. Perfect love casts out all fear.

I fear the Lord, and him alone. I don't fear Slimy, but I don't want to see him again, either; he is just that ugly. There is no beauty in him whatsoever. There is no need to worry about running into him, I see him every day, but don't pity him either, I made the mistake of thinking I was being as loving as I could be by loving, forgiving, and praying for him, but he is irredeemable and has made his choice to hate God for all eternity and if he had the chance to change his mind he wouldn't even do it, though he knows how terrible the torment is; he would rather be tortured than serve Our Lady, a human and Our Queen; he is evil to the nth degree. Love God alone and your neighbor more than yourself and finally love yourself, but not in a prideful and selfish way.

Lord Father,
send me your grace this hour
to die rather than offend you
in even the slightest way.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

Musings

2010-03-10T08:21:00.000-08:00

What God has recently taught me:

Truth in Love.
Truth without Love is cold, lifeless logic (Mr. Spock).
Love without Truth is whatever you want it to be (the tyranny of relativism—Pope Benedict the Great).

I have been given the gift of great Faith, but it is nothing without Love. I pray that I have a mustard seed of that.

I have been given Hope, but my Love is still a selfish child. Jesus calls us to be children, but not childish!

'Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.'--Song of Songs (?:??)

God the Father is the Lover;
God the Son is the Loved;
God the Holy Spirit is Love.

'The opposite of Love isn't hate, it is to use.'--J2P2 the Great

Most people in hell are there because of sexual sins.

My desire is to be despised and pitied.

The good Lord first offered deep union to me 17 years ago, but I was not ready. All night a demon tried to get me to masturbate, but I resisted. In the morning I was so elated that I had resisted him that I drove from Madison in the direction of Milwaukee with my fuel gauge on “E”. I was so elated from my battle with the demon that I thought my car would never run out of gas. Well, I did run out of gas so I left my car in the left lane of I-94 and started walking towards Milwaukee and the rising sun. I didn't get far before a highway patrol officer drew his weapon on me and commanded me to stop. I didn't. I just kept slowly walking east. I thought the end of the world was upon us and I was afraid. He slowly came up behind me and threw me to the ground and hand-cuffed me and took me to jail. That was the beginning of my bipolar.

I have had many run-ins with the law. Once I was arrested for speeding and wearing no shoes. But I have had even more run-ins with the Law. This Law is only light and peace and mercy, though. And prison because of this Law is true freedom.

Everyone thinks they're a good judge of character, but few are consistent in their assessments. I don't know if I am a good judge of character, but I can't think of a single person of whom I have changed my opinion. It might just be that I'm stubborn and bull-headed and unwilling to admit I was wrong, but I don't think even I am that bull-headed to have never changed once.

I once thought I would like to write an autobiography, but who would pay money to read my thoughts? Nobody reads my free stuff, save the elect.

When people tell me I'm crazy, I say, “I know, and I have the papers to prove it.” God bless the bipolar.

I see dead people walking all the time. I use to be one of them. Praise be the Lord. May I persevere till the end.

Lord Father,
send me your grace this hour
to die rather than offend you
in the slightest way.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

Some one is achieving the beginning of Love when they at least struggle with the whole Gospel, not just the parts they are doing already.

Why do I preach when no one has asked me to? Or authorized me to? Or who listens to me? Or Who gives me the right?
Because to whom much is given much will be required. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Jesus mused whether or not he would find Faith when He returned. There is no shortage of faith, but it is faith without love. Faith is not selfish, rude, boastful, self-centered, afraid of the Cross, bored, an anti-Christ, a conformist, cowardly, afraid of the Light, angry...

If you are not striving to be a Saint, you have no love in you.

There is a tabernacle in my heart.

People say I'm too judgemental. Maybe I am, but I have a clear conscience and I have to answer to God, and Him alone if I do not preach the whole Gospel.

People look at me with pity and fear. I am alone in this world, but I have the universe as a friend.

Only darkness gives me comfort.

I have known people that have been Christ one moment and then, at the drop of a hat, turned in to Satan. Much like St. Peter after being given the keys to the Kingdom. Amen.

So few strive to be truly holy. We want to serve God, but we also are drawn to the Father. The Father of lies that is.

This has been the most fruitful Lent of my life! God is speaking to me face to face. Or is it Satan. They both are. Blessed be the Lord! And thank you dear Lord for the holy Battle and Crusade you have put me on.

If you claim to be a non-conformist and independent, but do the same thing as all of your friends, how is that possible? To be a true rebel you risk being rejected by all and are all right with that.

The U.S. Constitution isn't the law of the land “Don't judge me!” is.

I try to pray every hour of the day. 24/7. 168 hours a week. My hourly wage is 13 cents/ hour. But then again I have taken a Vow of Poverty.

Most people hate me, but I'm fine with that. I still love them.

I have been the victim of assassination many times in my life and have attempted suicide, but I truly forgive all, even those who will offend me in the future.

I find it easy to love, but hard to like.

The slimy, stinking devil can do nothing to you that the good Lord doesn't allow. Nothing.

Everything is either directed be the direct or permissive Will of God. We deserve partly everything we get. Even Hitler and 9/11.

Most priests don't like me, but they all like to hear my confession.

I have a terrible and scary temptation that I am the Second Coming of Christ.

I struggle with a sky high self-esteem.

My bishop is the holiest person I know.

Holiness is that which is Good, True, and Beautiful.

Most priests love the attention more than the ministry. When I was in seminary I know I did. We need to pray for our priests, for their holiness.

Even though a priest might not be holy, he still speaks the words of Christ during Mass and in the tribunal of Mercy. Holy ones do it outside, too.

Wise people crave criticism, so they can grow in Love, through whomever it comes, and the fool hates correction. Recently, I was corrected by my 2 year old godson. I deserved it, but it was still scary and it hurt me. Thank you, Derrick.

We don't love our enemies. We barely love our friends. We don't even smile at a stranger because we're afraid they might be a crazy person. We don't even say a simple hello to the stranger, let alone help him like the Good Samaritan. We have so far to go and we've had two thousand years already. Come, Lord Jesus!

As the king said, “Sing a new song to the Lord.” or something like that.

Most people would rather lie and be surrounded by people than tell the Truth and be alone.

We choose hell or heaven by our actions, not a black and white “Do you love the Lord or the Satan?” kind of situation, one small step at a time, we're either growing in virtue or descending in vice. No one gets to Heaven alone, or all at once, and no one gets to Hell alone, or all at once. Once saved, always saved is a demonic lie. We must be re-baptized every moment of our lives.

God can do miracles through anyone and anything. Don't judge the holiness of a person by the miracles God works through them, because the Father of Lies can do miracles too. Judge holiness by the persons Love. 1 Corinthians the whole chapter 13.
Great faith can do great things, even selfish things, but only great Love can change the face of the earth and gain merit that will not rot and that moths will not steal.

At Christ's first coming the leaders and the religious knew some things about his coming, but when he came it was a fulfillment of all the prophecies, but in a way that was unexpected and those who were religious, for the most part, were His enemies. On the Second Coming I believe it will be the same way. This scares the hell out of me. I don't want to be a Christian in name only, but in truth and love, but I don't have a guarantee I will persevere, but I do have a sure hope.

God keeps his promises. He said that the Jews were his chosen people and they still are. Salvation will come through the Jews, but how can that be since they don't recognize Jesus as the Christ? I think at the Second Coming the Jews will finally see that Christ is the Christ and the whole world will make their permanent decision. We will be amazed at who is the elect and who is the damned. I pray that I will not be a goat, but a sheep that follows the Shepherd. Amen.

Everyone has tough times it depends on what you do with them. You could blame God, blame everyone else, blame everyone but yourself and rationalize that it wasn't your fault and if it was, you had a good reason and it really wasn't that bad or wasn't a big deal. And you will follow your father. Or you could accept the full blame and punishment and be thankful. Then you are following Him.

Ordained priests have a higher dignity than the laity. They are more closely conformed to Jesus, and in the confessional and in their homilies at Mass no matter what the flaws the priest has, they speak the infallible words of Jesus Christ himself. In fact, their dignity is even higher than the Blessed Mother. But that doesn't mean they are holy. In fact, it is much harder for a priest to be holy, because the devil hates him like he hates the Lord himself. Priests should pray for humilations in order that they will not be pride-filled. We need to pray not just for vocations to the priesthood, as if numbers alone are the anwser to the world's problems, we need to pray for holy priests. Too many priests neglict their personal spritual needs for other tasks thinking they are too busy to spend time in prayer, and we laity say the same things, put a wise spiritual director, and everyone should have one, said, 'if you're too busy to pray, you're too busy.'

Lord Father,
send me the grace
this hour to die
rather than offend you
in the slightest way.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

Prayers and Stuff from a Social Hermit

2010-03-09T08:11:00.001-08:00

Lord Father,
may I look at man as my brother,
animals as my children,
creation as my grandchildren,
and pray for the salvation of the world.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

Lord Father,
make me quick to repent,
knowing that you are even quicker
to forgive.
In Jesus's name I pray.
Amen.

Lord Father,
teach me about you.
To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In...To...Through...In.....................................................
for eternity.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

Playing chess with the devil and he has all his pieces and you have only your king and queen. If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you can beat him easily. Amen.

Lord Father,
thank you for the best vocation
in the world.
It is the best because it is a custom fit.
In Jesus's name I pray.
Amen.

Lord Father,
thank you for bipolar and diabetes.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

Lord Father,
humiliate me.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

Lord Father,
thank you for the perfect freedom
that casts out all fear.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

Lord Father,
thank you for progress in chastity.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

Lord Father,
increase my faith, hope, and love
exponentially with each passing breath.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

I suffered through the Dark Night from sundown March 8th, 2010 to sunup March 9th, 2010. Blessed be the name of the Lord!

Lord Father,
Grant that I may:
see without seeing,
smell without smelling,
hear without hearing,
taste without tasting, and
touch without touching.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

In the flesh, when we feel good or even great, it is because we are getting closer to hell and the devil is allowing us to feel good so we will follow his way. That is why so often we feel good when we sin, but afterward feel guilty, the guilt is the devil telling us that God will never take us back and the guilt is also from God telling us we are loved and welcomed home.

When we feel pain it is either God reprimanding us for our sins or it is the experience of working our moral muscles. It is like climbing the mountain of God, it is painful, but the reward and view from the top is spectacular.

Both of these conditions is habitual, but the Lord always has the power to break in. Let us pray for holy intervention.

In the temptations of Jesus by the devil, the devil said, “if you are the Christ”. The devil didn't know whether he was the Christ or not. Jesus was about 30 years old by now and the devil couldn't tell that he had been perfect in everyway? When we think of the devil we oftentimes overestimate his power and influence. At his core, he is a weak coward who makes a lot of noise.

The more modern culture develops in comfort and time-saving devices the more it neglects morality, but the Lord has his elect. But even they might lose their salvation. Come Lord Jesus.

Musings of a Social Hermit

2010-03-08T09:29:00.000-08:00

Spiritual dryness is wrestling with the Devil and he has you on the ground standing over you with his foot crushing your head and he says “I will let you go if you curse God” and you resist with all your strength and God says, “Enough!” and Satan flies away in fear and you have passed the test and your faith, hope, and love have increased and God is proud of you.

As someone who suffers from bipolar disorder, I have been looking for models and heros who are bipolar and I have found three who inspire me: King David (in the Psalms he is either exaltant in joy or deep down in despair) and St. Peter (from the heights of receiving the keys of heaven to moments later being called Satan) and St. Paul (being taken up to the seventh heaven and down to the depths of saying he was the least of all), pray for the bipolar.

I don't appreciate the beauty of Our Lady because I am broken. I don't think icons are beautiful because I am broken. I don't find classical music beautiful because I am broken. I don't have a discerning palate because I am broken.

I work for 13 cents an hour. I sort of work for peanuts. If a bag of peanuts is $2.50 I have to work 19 hrs. to buy a bag.

Its like we are always trying to outfox the devil. He keeps adjusting to our actions and puts obstacles in our way and we have to constantly adjust our approach to keep ahead of him. It is like we are blind-folded on a high wire and the devil is trying to knock us off and the Lord just gives us the next step and we have to trust that he will get us where he is leading us: Heaven.

When confronted with mystery just say to it “it's above my pay grade” and leave it at that.

The reason I'm Catholic is in part the reason why I'm a Packer fan: we're family. My grandfather went to games at City Stadium and was one of the first to get season tickets at Lambeau, they're family and you stick with family no matter what. I'm Catholic in part because it is the Church of Christ and warts and all it is my family and you can't turn your back or trade in your parents or siblings you just deal with their warts and they deal with yours.

If you are really bothered by another's sin it is probably because we also sin in that way. Liars are furious when they are lied to. The adulterer is crazy when someone is unfaithful to him.

I say to God, “What to you want to do?”, and He says to me, “What do you want to do?” And we go back and forth like two teenagers who have just fallen in love with each other. I'm at the beginning of my relationship with the Lord.

If I die in him, I will live; and if I believe and live, I will never die.

I just heard two people talking, but no one was there. Am I losing it? I'm an idiot. I heard the voices in my bedroom and now I just went back in. It was the clock radio. It was playing low so I barely heard it the first time.

We have a culture in which efficiency and productivity are gods. Somethings are better slow. Slow cooked meals are better than stove cooked and stove cooked are better than microwave. Spending time with your kids is better than “quality time” when the quality time is very brief. Slow breathing is better than fast breathing.

Be quick to praise others and slow to criticize.

We are slaves to sin. For instance, we don't want to be sexually promiscuous, but we feel we won't fit in with our friends if we don't. We masturbate because everyone else is and we don't want to be an outcast. We tell little white lies because everyone else is and we don't want to be an outcast. Traffic laws are broken because stretching the law isn't really breaking it. If you don't get caught you don't do anything wrong. All lies of the devil. We must strive for perfection out of love and freedom.

Love asks, “I have something I want you to do, it will be difficult, and you will have no reward, will you do it?” and Love responds instantaneously without reservation and doubt: YES!!!!
The Father asked Jesus if he would do something (save the world), it would be difficult (he knew it would require his life, but I don't think He knew how hard it would be which makes it all the more amazing that He could have ended it at any moment, but His Love of the Father's will was too strong and he silenced the fires of Hell), and there would be no reward (He was already God there is no way up from the top). No wonder the Father loves the Son so much. He is a chip of the old block. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree and all that kind of stuff. What Love God has for us!!!

We tend to love most those who are close to us: spouses, children, grandchildren, parents, siblings, friends, relatives, those who return our love, but it takes a special kind of love to just love anonymously. We should strive to love all, especially our worst enemy, as much as we love those who love us the most.

Pornography and masterbation are assumed to be universal. It is claimed that everyone does it. It is said that 9 out of 10 people do it and the other one is lying. If it was natural Jesus would have done it and I know he didn't. I continue to pray everyday for purity and chastity. Pray for custody of the eyes and avoid near occasions of sin.

We who only listen to ”Christian” music are hypocrites. We criticize bad language in music, but we never say anything to people that use the same bad language in conversation.

Movies are funny. Some of the best, real, true movies have offensive speech in them and are rated R. And some “G” movies have themes of the occult (witches, the Wizard of Oz) and are targeted for children. What is more dangerous?

Don't throw pearls to dogs = Don't correct people in public that are just going to get mad and not change. Correct people in private and only speak the truth with love.

Through holy obedience I hope to do anything my spiritual director, Fr. Jim, asks me unless I believe it is a sin. It doesn't matter how difficult it is just that it is not a sin.

Watching the movie “Singles” and I noticed that even though they are not chaste they have virtues like trying to help the planet. No one is just pure evil it goes in degrees. To make a movie these days you have to do crude things, but you never should sin. Showing promiscuity is just being realistic, but that doesn't mean you sink to pornography. Old pride=I'm more holy than you; new pride=I'm more vulgar than you. To do art in the old times the art had to be religious, but the clever artists could could give it a double meaning or twist it. Now to make music, movies, or TV you have to be crude, but the good artists can get a good message through anyway.

Striving for perfection helps us avoid sin. Jesus taught that those who are good in small things will be good in the big ones. We shouldn't do small things like: driving above the speed limit; rolling through stop signs; jaywalking; leaving lights on in rooms we're not in; running the water when were not using it; idling our cars when were not driving it (when we run into a convenience store for a short time or are at a drive thru); throwing out recyclables; leaving lights on when we're not in the room.

Try to avoid going to any stores or restaurants or gas stations on Sunday. It is a day of rest and we shouldn't be encouraging others to work on Sunday. Plan before Sunday to do everything you need for Sunday. But don't be extreme. The Lord's Day is for man's rest, not avoidance of work at all cost for the sake of the letter of the law. Moderation is key; Prudence is spirit and truth. Letter and spirit, not one or the other.

We are really blessed to have the last two popes. We must be really bad as people to warrant such great popes. Such holy (that which is good, true, and beautiful) priests. When the people are generally good the Lord allows Satan to corrupt the Shepherd, but when the people are wicked Satan is not allowed to touch a hair of his head. The Israelites at the time of the Exodus were wicked, so God raised up holy and meek Moses to lead them. In the Middle Ages there were corrupt popes while the people were holy. But even though the popes were wicked. the Holy Spirit did not allow them to speak error when officially proclaiming doctrine that all were to ascent to.

Lord Father,
send me the grace this hour
to die rather than offend you
in the slightest way. In Jesus'
name I pray.
Amen.

Modern man doesn't trust people who don't swear or curse like they do and that's why so much music and other media take the Lord's name in vain.

The most love I know how to give:

Lord Father,
If it pleases you, send me to the deepest fires of hell.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

Pray Always = it is like playing in the backyard when you are four. Your mother (God) is putting clothes on the clothesline and has one eye on you since she is concerned about your safety. You are not always consciously thinking about her but you are always in her presence (like Eucharistic adoration) and you have the freedom of playing around the yard. Sin is leaving the yard and disobeying what your mother told you to do for your own good. Sin is simply disobeying God.

When I am manic and feel good I am actually far from God and being pulled towards hell. When I am experiencing depression, when I have a clear conscience, I am actually closer to the Lord. I believe that the way to God is through our personal cross and that is what righteous depression is, it is the cross, and it is a heavy cross we bear, not a feather duster. That doesn't mean we should let the world know we are suffering, though, we must remain cheerful and joyful. Jesus said that when you fast don't let any one know that you are fasting, just act as if you were eating regularly. It is the same with depression. When we are depressed, it is hard, but we must bear our cross courageously. I am not good at this. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and my poker face is terrible. But I trust the Lord will give me another chance and be patient with me.

Bipolar Saints

2010-03-04T08:38:00.000-08:00

King David, Sts. Peter and Paul, pray for the bipolar!

Although I don't know if any of these three suffered from bipolar disorder, I do know that they were no strangers to extremes in their lives.

King David: In the Psalms he is either on top of the world or he is crying to God for mercy.

St. Peter: The heights of having the keys of heaven to moments later being called Satan.

St. Paul: Being taken up to the seventh heaven and down to the depths of saying he was the least of all.

I look to these men for intercession as I battle my illness. They made it to heaven so I have hope too.

Recent Hospitalization

2010-03-01T13:29:00.000-08:00

Well, I went in again. For the eighth time I have entered, endured, and escaped the mental hospital. I think it was good for me, but I don't feel completely healed. I guess you never feel cured of chronic illnesses that's why they call them chronic.

Not meaning to boast I have taken my bipolar to new extremes; I think I'm Jesus Christ and Satan all at the same time.

I was thinking about the gospel teachings: "Love your enemies", "forgive 70 x 7", and "pray for those who persecute you"; and thought who is my greatest nemesis? And it is Satan. Don't get me wrong I haven't become a satanist who worships and prays to the devil, but I have taken my love to the extreme of what I am capable of; if I can love and forgive and pray for the Devil I can love anyone.

I am under no illusions I know the Devil is incapable of being loved and desiring forgiveness, but I have to offer it. I know 99.9999999999999999999999999% of people would say what I am doing is pointless and dangerous, but I believe Jesus has put this on my heart. He is using this for his glory, honor, and praise. It is difficult to battle the Devil with love, but that is the best weapon. He made an eternal choice to hate God, but I don't give up on anyone.

Does this sound like I'm more merciful than God? That is a big temptation and sin of mine and I also think it is one of my best attributes. There goes the bipolar thing again.

I'm the only me that I really know so I don't know how much this resonates with others, but I've never heard of anyone else with these thoughts. I am alone in many ways. My hermit lifestyle seperates my from others physically and my mind seperates me when I'm with others. I have learned to lean on the Lord more, which is good, and besides he is the only One who knows me through and through.

I pray for, not to the Devil.....Lord help me!!!

My Reason for Being

2010-02-10T07:44:00.000-08:00

It's been since Christmas since I've written, but it hasn't been because nothing has happened. In fact everything has happened and then it faded away. I thought I had found the reason I was put on this planet and then I thought better of it. I thought I was put on this earth to pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy for the intentions of a hermit, but then my conviction faded away. I gave up the fight right after it had started. As soon as I was convinced I had found my way I had doubts.

This is the life I live. I don't know if all bipolars live between these extremes, but I do. I jump into something with complete conviction and then with equel conviction quit it or find something better.

Also I've been angsting about my job situation again. Since I have no job I think I'm worthless, but I've failed at just about every job I've ever had and the latest was a rejection for cleaning toilets that I offered to do for free.

I don't know why I started this blog any more and like almost everything in my life I am approaching it half-heartedly. I am not happy with my life. But, I seem to remember, not to long ago, being very happy and thinking I was the most blessed person alive. I don't know which me to trust. Does everyone feel like this?

I don't have any answers today; I just need to hold on for dear life. I know it will get better, but I'm tired of the roller coaster. I don't like my life today and it feels like their is a hole in my gut and yesterday I was thanking God for my life. There is so much suffering in the world and I complain about my little problems.

I don't like to complain, but that's all I've been doing lately. I just want to die, but I'm not sure I would go to heaven. I'm tired, but also too awake. I've slept enough, but I just want this present to be over. There is a cloud in my head and I can't see myself. It helps to write this down, somehow it seems like I'm not alone if I can write it down.

This post as you can tell is very random, but that's how I feel right now. I think I have the life I have right now because I just don't fit in. I am too moody to be a productive member of society and all I'm good for many days is just holding on. Somedays I have a good prayer life, but then how can you judge a good prayer life? Does everyone else seem so torn inside? I feel like I make progress, but then it is all gone. I wish I was a robot because then I wouldn't have to wrestle with free will. Do I feel this angst because I truly love God or is this torture a punishment from above?

Our Father

2009-12-23T06:50:00.000-08:00

If you've read any of my posts you'll know that St. John of the Cross is a hero of mine. I have been inspired by the second to the last page of Ascent of Mount Carmel. It talks about prayer; namely the Lord's Prayer. On that page it basically says that Our Lord when asked by the Disciples how to pray gave them this prayer: nothing more, nothing less. So I have started a little practice in my head. Whenever possible I repeat the Our Father over and over and over and over. It has become a mantra that is background music to my reflections. Interestingly, there are seven petitions in the Our Father and seven notes in a musical scale. Coincidence...I don't think so.

P.S. For those of you who think there are eight notes in a musical scale are miscounting. The eight notes of the scale include a repeated note one octave higher. So there. I know my music. And prayer.

Definition of a Hermit

2009-12-03T17:45:00.000-08:00

The Catechism of the Catholic Church says:'a hermit is one who in silence and solitude, prayer and penance professes the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience for love of God and the salvation of the world'.

I think I am living this. Most of my day is occupied by silence. No one can completely devoid oneself from sound, even in a sound-proof booth you will hear something, so I try to practice inner silence. I try to be in communion with God no matter what the sound level is around me.

Solitude is achieved by living on the outskirts of town and just going into town when I need to.

Prayer is constant with me; I am always praying in spirit.

And I do penances.

I've taken the vows and I do it for Love of God and the Salvation of the World.

So I am a hermit. Now the hard part comes; living it!

Can't Sleep (a poem)

2009-11-30T00:27:00.000-08:00

Tossed and turned.
What to do with sleeplessness?

Too late for a jog, too cold to walk, too lazy to do either.

I will think;

they caress and collide, crumble and coalesce. Faster than a stately gait.

What I'm Thankful For

2009-11-25T20:50:00.000-08:00

On this eve of Thanksgiving I am very thankful.

Most of all I am thankful for my vocation. Growing up if you had told me that I would be a hermit and thankful for it I would have called you crazy, but I am eternally grateful for my life.

I have the freedom to pursue my God in the way he wants to lead me and what more could a person ask for? My days are completely at my discretion and it fits me more than I can describe. I can dedicate myself to silence and solitude, prayer and penance and I experience heaven on earth.

I can't count how many times I've said, "Lord, you're too good to me!" and meant it from the bottom of my soul. I wish everyone could experience the joy of knowing you are doing what you were made to do. Of course there are bad days when I doubt everything and doubt myself, but these days are just an opportunity to offer it up for the salvation of the world.

My wish this thanksgiving day is that everyone will be as blessed as I am and thank God for the chance to labor in the fields of the Lord. God bless.

The Interior Battle

2009-11-24T00:40:00.000-08:00

Recently I have thought my life was too easy. I was feeling good and was relatively stress-free. I seemed to be going on auto-pilot and it was a breeze. I had the freedom or rather the license to do what I wanted to do and I felt bad about it.

So, I looked into becoming a religious because I thought it would be more difficult for me. But it has been two weeks and I haven't heard from them so I think they aren't interested. I looked into volunteering at Roncalli High School since it is right down the road and the response I received was less than promising.

But then I realized something from the definition of a hermit. That the hermit lives his life in assiduous prayer and penance. I can do small penances anywhere. So I have started doing small acts of penance in imitation of St. Therese and especially in imitation of our dear Lord.

I've also recently found that it is a great way of regulating the mood swings of bipolar. When you are on a high it humbles you and when you are low it redirects your attention to God and to your being an image of him.

I'm Tired Of Mood Swings

2009-11-23T17:58:00.000-08:00

It seems like I go from one extreme to another with my moods. I just don't seem to have very many typical days. I am tired of it; bipolar sucks. I went from waking up for the day at midnight last week to sleeping for 16 hours a day this week.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist, but she can only do so much. My mom worries about me like crazy and that makes me worry about her. Where is the sanity?

I know God has a plan for me, but he isn't giving me many clues to what it is. Maybe this is the way I'll live my life as a hermit, on the edge of insanity.

Football Is Like Chess

2009-11-22T21:10:00.000-08:00

I was watching a recent football game and the functioning of the players resembled a chess game and the spiritual battle that goes on in heaven for our immortal souls.

I think the game is played a lot more complexly than a chess game or a football game, but there are similarities.

The pawns in the chess game are like the lower angels that set up the work for the more important angels. The same happens on the dark side. The demons have their first line.

Also, the football analogy has the connection of the linemen being the pawns. I think you can figure out the rest of the connections.

Divine Union

2009-11-19T04:12:00.000-08:00

As I read St. John of the Cross I am thirsting more and more for divine union. Not just the kind that everyone has just by being alive; you can't be alive without having some union with God; but the kind of union where I am completely and totally naked before the Creator. Nothing holding me back from returning in love what he has already given to me.

I know this will take everything I have and it will take every ounce of effort I can muster and it will mean death of self. It will be a death, but I will still be drawing breath. I need to empty myself of everything that is not him and live totally for God alone.

Suffering

2009-11-16T02:56:00.000-08:00

Through baptism the baptized becomes a priest, a prophet, and a king. I was thinking of what this means and I discovered that it is through the common bond of suffering.

Priest=sacrifice. Sacrifice means suffering for the sake of the one you are sacrificing for even to the point of shedding blood and of course the perfect example of this is Christ on the Cross.

Prophet=shedding of blood for the sake of the Word of God. The prophets were killed for speaking the truth in charity/ charity in truth this suffering meant giving the ultimate. The proof of love is to suffer for the one you love.

King=reigning in charity in truth. The perfect image of the kingdom on earth is the third sorrowful mystery of the Rosary. When Christ was crowned with thorns he showed us what being a king on earth is like. He showed that pain and suffering is our lot if we truly want to have intimacy with him. To reign is first to serve.

Random Thought

2009-11-15T07:22:00.000-08:00

My mind was wandering during Mass and I thought of all the people I dislike. I better start liking them because I might be spending eternity next to them at the feast: upstairs or downstairs, it doesn't matter.

Modified Music Theory

2009-11-14T14:07:00.000-08:00

In an earlier post I stated how I select my music choices, I am changing my mind. I thought that I needed to purge myself of all music that didn't give glory to God, but now I think that I should keep all music that doesn't disrespect or blaspheme God. That leaves me with a much richer selection of music.

I can think of only two songs in my musical library that fall into the blaspheme or disrespect God category. "Sympathy for the Devil" by the Rolling Stones and "Pretty Persuasion" by R.E.M. in which Michael Stipe very clearly says G...d Da...n several times.

My change in philosophy comes from a belief that everyone is on their own path to God or damnation and all of us until we take our last breath are headed to one of the two and it can change quickly from bliss to hell; that having been said we are in this together. It is not me and Jesus. None of us goes to heaven or hell alone we are either a part of the solution or part of the problem.

We need to engage the culture. We need to meet people where they are. I believe that the vast majority of people truly want to do the right thing, but are motivated by base passions. We need to understand the culture and transform it.

But I'm getting off-track...

Unless the music has very "satanic" discordant melodies or the lyrics blaspheme, disrespect, are vulgar, or are in another non-PG category we should engage the culture.

A good rule of thumb is if you'd be embarrassed listening to it with your mother you shouldn't be listening to it.

St. John of the Cross and John Paul the Great

2009-11-14T07:33:00.000-08:00

John Paul wrote his doctoral dissertation on St. John of the Cross and from what I read he was greatly influenced by him, but I see a great deal of difference between them.

St. John seems to be saying that we need to empty ourselves in order that God can fill us up and John Paul seems to be celebrating life more fully through his Theology of the Body.

But on second thought they are in sync because they are both drawing from the same well, namely the Church.

In the Theology of the Body John Paul focuses in on the need for us not to desire or ever use another and this is what St. John does too. Both talk about the evils of lusting and reference St. John the Apostle and the three-fold concupiscence: lust of the eyes, lust of the flesh, and pride of life.

At first glance I thought John Paul and John of the Cross were different, but since truth is one so are they.

Approaching the Sun/Son

2009-11-14T06:47:00.000-08:00

I just had a thought or rather an image. Imagine the sun of our solar system. It is the hottest and brightest thing in our sky. Imagine that that is God or to take a little play on words the Sun/Son of God. In heaven the holiest people are those who are closest to the sun and enjoy the most light and warmth. They can stand the extreme heat and brightness because they have purified themselves and responded to grace so fully that they can more closely approach the splendor of God.

Conversely the damned also approach the Son of God, but they are tormented by their wickedness as they merit a closer position in relation to the Sun by their evil deeds.

Choosing What Is Least

2009-11-14T04:40:00.000-08:00

I have come upon a new challenge from my new friend St. John of the Cross. I will try to choose the food that is the most bland and unappealing to me. I tried this last night and I actually kind of enjoyed it. I had microwaved potatos without any seasonings and canned mixed vegetables without any seasonings. Unfortunately I added to that milk, cheetos, and two fudge brownies. I have a way to go yet on my path to perfection.

I don't know why this challenge of St. John is so appealing to me, but I do know that it is. The vast majority of people would think it is foolish, unrealistic, or stoic to go through what he proposes, but I see true freedom in it. To desire nothing, but like everything. Very challenging, very exciting.

The Continuing Striving for Perfection

2009-11-13T04:38:00.000-08:00

The latest from The Ascent to Mount Carmel is that if we want divine union in this life we need to ask ourself when ever we make a choice whether or not doing it is for the greater glory and honor of God.

I have started to ask myself this question and it is really hard. Having a piece of cake. How could this be an act of glory for God? Sometimes it can be if it isn't just an act of satisfying a lower passion. It could be in celebration of the birthday or anniversary of a loved one, a eucharist (i.e. thanksgiving).

And then there are the neutral acts like taking a glass of water. Does this action add or detract from the glory of God. I don't think it does either it's just a cup of water. Or maybe St. John will have something to say about that. I'll read on.

From Water to Rain

2009-11-12T08:40:00.000-08:00

I pray that my puddle of a life will be taken up into God's. Since my life is a small puddle of water compared to the ocean of love and mercy that is God, I pray that on a warm, sunny day all that I, down to the last molecule of H2O, will be evaporated into the heavens. Then with God having all of me I pray that he will rain me down to earth to do his will perfectly. I imagine that this process is painful because I need to be completely obliterated to become completely one with the other, but I want it.

Watch Your Words

2009-11-12T07:24:00.000-08:00

I've just been reading some articles and there sure isn't a shortage of strong opinions out there. And then it popped into my head that we will have to give an accounting for all the things we have said and this really scared me because I have said a lot of hurtful things and I will be responsible for them. Then I thought some more and was at peace because the good Lord is kind and forgiving and if I am kind, merciful, and forgiving to those who wrong me He has said he will be kind, merciful, and forgiving to me. In this I hope.

Dark Night or Depression?

2009-11-11T05:36:00.000-08:00

How does a mentally ill person know when and if they are experiencing the dark night of the soul? I have had some very down times in my life like just about any one, but is that what the dark night is? I don't think so. I am starting to realize that I don't think God wants deep union with me because of my mental disability. He doesn't think I can handle the profound stuff so he gives me the next best thing: bipolar.

Renewed Hope

2009-11-06T18:47:00.000-08:00

From the scary St. John of the Cross to the gentle St. Bonaventure. I have come upon a prayer from St. Bonaventure that takes the edge off of St. John of the Cross. Basically it says the same thing, but in a way that is more accessible. St. Bonaventure talks about Jesus as being both the way and the door to the new life and I find this comforting.

Both write about the road to perfection and what it requires of the person and I am excited by what both have to say. But it terrifies me, also. It is nothing short of a total death to self that is required and this is very, to say the least, challenging.

I do want to pursue it though. I believe that we please God by willing as much as we can to love him totally. St. John of the Cross writes about the requirement of detaching completely from the desire for any created things. That's what scares me about him. I have many desires and how is it possible not to want anything?

On top of that I'm addicted to nicotine. I smoke a pipe and I use snus everyday. Do I need to stop desiring nicotine when I'm addicted? Even if I stopped using nicotine I would still desire it. I am not an alcoholic, but I imagine that even after they stop drinking they still have a desire to use.

God help me to desire nothing but you.

Is Prayer Work?

2009-11-06T06:21:00.000-08:00

Now that I've been unemployed for a month I have been doing a lot of thinking. Does a more intense prayer life since I've left my job constitute a form of work? I struggle with this question.

Recently I've been trying to use all my talents and education in a way benefiting my fellow man, but am I trying to do that because I don't value the worth of prayer as a form of work? I don't know the answer to this question and the answers from people I respect aren't satisfying. I have heard that it is alright to accept my disability as the reason for my unemployment, but I still think I need to contribute in a paid position. I don't feel like I'm doing my duty unless I'm getting paid for my efforts.

I have had a disastrous working career, though; I have lost eight jobs in my post-college life. And many of these were low skill jobs.

I guess I'll just have to wait until my monthly meeting with my spiritual director to resolve this.

What Does It Mean To Be Perfect?

2009-11-03T17:07:00.000-08:00

I've been giving this question a lot of thought lately. I blame St. John of the Cross the most, but he's not the only guilty one, there's: St. Therese, St. Faustina, and Pope Benedict.

From the writings of St. John I initially got the impression that we must reject everything that is not God to have perfect union with him. Sts. Therese and Faustina were more comforting reads but not less challenging. They taught about perfection with a more motherly touch, albeit scary.

Imagine my surprise when I found the most solace for my troubled soul in the writings of Cardinal "God's Rottweiler" Ratzinger and of all places in a reflection on hell. The Pope said that hell is when you don't like anything and nothing likes you. This said to me that I needed to detach and not rely on anything created (St. John of the Cross), but I had to like Everything (Pope Benedict).

I have a problem liking people. For the longest time I have loved everyone, primarily wanting the best for everyone--eternal life. But I've preferred to be away from people because they annoy me sometimes and it's always because I don't know them well yet, but who has the time to get to know everyone intimately.

As a hermit I will continue to be away from people most of the time, but since I read the pope's words I have a new focus. I will like everyone. I will make an act of the will to do this. And I will like every created thing also. But in the spirit of St. John of the Cross I will prefer nothing, even everything good put together, to my love of God.

I will not crave, rely, or depend on anything created, but I will like everything to the degree of its goodness.

This is obviously a huge challenge, but I always did like a challenge.

I Might Start a Consulting Business

2009-11-01T04:06:00.000-08:00

Even though I still think I might be called to be a hermit, I also think I might be called to use my unique skill set to help bring about the fulfillment of the Kingdom of God in another way.

I have a B.S. in Industrial Engineering and a M.A. in Catholic Thought and Life, not a common educational background. While I lay in bed last night I returned to a line of thought I have often had: How can I use my background to actually help people and not just make money?

I have been thinking about this for over ten years and haven't come to any resolution, so what makes me think that this time will be any different; I don't, necessarily. I think it might be different because, in all sincerity, I am a more mature person.

I have thought of consulting in the past, but was always scared that I would fail at it because of my weeknesses of character and my bipolar disorder. I still have those fears, but I have a new approach; I will wait until I am asked to step forward.
One of my favorite scriptures is from the Song of Songs: "Do not awaken or arouse love until she so desires." This tells me that we shouldn't do anything of significance until God asks it of us.

The way I am going to proceed is to do a lot of research. Initially I will read the Catholic Social Teaching on all the significant papal and conciliar documents to understand the condition of the social issues and I'll read about consulting and get current on my engineering background.

I am cautiously optimistic about this new page in my life I have been down this road before and I don't want to build up false hope, but I do want to contribute more concretely to the coming of the kingdom in our society I just hope I'm doing it for the right motivations. I hope I'm not doing it in a desire to be well-respected in the eyes of the world. I hope I'm not motivated by greed which I see as a big reason the culture is in trouble now.

Should I just stick to praying? I don't know what to do about this question. I think prayer is very valuable, but St. Benedict taught to Pray and Work and that phrase has always stuck with me. I don't believe I am earning my keep. St. Paul talks about those who don't work shouldn't eat and that also has stuck with me. I believe that I am wasting my talents like the servant who buried the talent in the ground. I believe this motivation to help bring the kingdom is a true calling I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with it.

So, for now I will research and continue to pray for other things, but also for guidance in this matter.

Not An Anchorite; I'm A Hermit

2009-10-28T05:27:00.000-07:00

After reflecting about it for a while I have come to the conclusion that I am a hermit. I always thought that a hermit had to live in the wilderness and have no contact with people, but I don't think that is the case. I am a hermit of the 21st century. I fit the Catholic description of a hermit, namely: the life of hermits is that "...by which the Christian faithful devote their life to the praise of God and the salvation of the world through a stricter withdrawal from the world, the silence of solitude, and assiduous prayer and penance."

This is a tall order, but I believe I am called to it. Since my final vows I have had a profound peace that I am doing what I should be doing and that is a great experience. I wish that everyone could have the peace that I do. I am always mindful though that it might just be a high in the mood swings of bipolar, but I am getting better at noticing the swings of bipolar and I think this peace is genuine.

I also am coming to peace with the scary parts of the eremetic life. I am aware that God wants me to surrender completely to Him and to detach completely from everything that is not Him. I don't know if I can do this, but I do want to be fully united with him and I will do anything for him.

3 o' Clock

2009-10-24T12:02:00.000-07:00

I will try to spend the three o' clock afternoon hour in the chapel since that is the time that Christ died. But many of the things I start I don't follow through on. I will see which category this falls in.

Finding it very difficult to focus today and it upsets me; I can't seem to do anything.

Twelve Hours of Sleep and Then a Two Hour Nap

2009-10-24T11:57:00.000-07:00

I don't understand it. Why do I need so much sleep? Or maybe I don't need so much sleep and I'm just lazy. I am never around a therapist when I have these questions, either.

My Blessing: Fr. Jim

2009-10-24T07:18:00.000-07:00

I can't say enough how great my spiritual director, Fr. Jim Vanden Hogen, has been for me. He has been my compass through rough waters. He is always kind, caring, wise, and compassionate. He always has the right thing to say and I always leave our meetings feeling on top of the world. I wish we could meet everyday, but that's not realistic.

I will talk about him more throughout this blog, but I just wanted to remind myself how great he is. Not much to say today I'm going through a little down period and it's hard to focus. Don't know if it's the bipolar or just the ups and downs of life or spiritual dryness. I just know it is difficult and I wish I could talk to Fr. Jim.

Divine Mercy

2009-10-22T05:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I became familiar again with the Dairy of St. Faustina. The great doctrine of Divine Mercy. I first heard of it through the Chaplet of Divine Mercy about 15 years ago when I first became disabled. Ever since I have prayed the chaplet; if not everyday, almost everyday. I pray it more than the Rosary and can relate to it more. I, like, St. Faustina have a burning desire for souls to get to Heaven, but my worry for souls wrongly go to an extreme that I never see in her diary. I question God's Divine Mercy wrongly thinking I am more merciful than God when this could not be more wrong.

There is nothing wrong with God's mercy, it is just that he has an infinite respect for our free will. I don't. I want everyone to get to heaven. Period. That is not what many souls want though and my finite mind has trouble getting its thick hands around that concept.

God didn't create man to be a robot that just mindlessly does what its creator wants, but wanted us to choose him with our whole heart and I have trouble understanding why someone wouldn't. But then how do I know that I won't be damned by not completely turning to his Divine Mercy or whether or not I will curse him with my last breath and lose my salvation after thinking that I would be saved?

By the mercy of God I go forward trying to do what is right and trying my best to love God and neighbor.

St. Faustina had many profound mystical experiences, but said that all of them were nothing compared to doing the will of the Father.

I hope to live the life of Divine Mercy from now into eternity and with the help of the prayers of St. Faustina I will.

Beautiful Failure

2009-10-21T04:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't had much success in my life by the standards of the world and I count that a great blessing. Because even though I am unsuccessful I have very high self-esteem. If I actually had success I would be unbearable. I think I know better than everyone else and that God highly favors me and this is all from the evil one. The devil has me convinced that I will have a high place in heaven because he knows that it will make me complacent and presumptous about my place in life. He doesn't know where I will be any better than me and is very seductive in dealing with me because he knows my weaknesses better than I do and I'm probably not even dealing with the actual devil, just a low level demon. The devil is very powerful, but not all powerful and has limited resources. I practically damn myself so I don't require a very powerful tempter. But I have hope. This has been a depressing entry, but I do have hope.

I am not a Therese of the Child Jesus who never fell out of grace, I have often. I am very broken. I can't blame it all on my bi-polar either. Sometimes I don't know how I get through the day with all my conflicting thoughts. But I want to be the Saint of the Mentally Ill. Right now the patron Saint of the Mentally Ill is someone who was martyred by a crazy person and St. Dymphna didn't even have a mental illness.

Thank you, Lord, for making me unsuccessful in the eyes of the world because with this grace you will teach me eventually to be humble and drive away my evil pride.

A Lot Annoys Me

2009-10-20T05:25:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it is just me, but a lot of things bother me about people. I guess this is a big part of why I am a hermit. Going to mass on Sunday is a major chore for me. I see the able-bodied parishoners give a passing reverence to God as they enter, usually a half-hearted homage to anywhere but the tabernacle. Reading the bulletin when they should be getting ready to worship. And talking loudly to friends.

I'm just annoyed.

The Scary St. John of the Cross

2009-10-19T04:38:00.000-07:00

I have begun reading "The Ascent to Mount Carmel" and St. John presents a very challenging suggestion; or rather a very challenging imperative. He says that to have true union with God we need to eliminate all desire for created goods. ALL desire for created good things. How can anyone do this? Then I got to thinking of it more and realized that we need to stop desiring them, but not necessarily stop using them.

We need to breath, eat, drink, etc. The thing to do is be prepared at any moment to give these things up. Even the air we believe; total detachment from all things.

I love my parents dearly, but I have to be able to completely depend on God, so I can't have attachment to my parents. When I was a child I completely depended on my parents, but now that I am mature, even though I still love them dearly, I need to separate myself from them.

It is hard to detach from all sensual things, but it is not impossible. I do see how it is necessary also. God should be our all and to be completely dedicated to him we must give him ourselves totally.

The Phrase "God Willing"

2009-10-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

Recently on the bus I told some regular that I would see him after the weekend and he said "God willing". And that got me to thinking. I have heard that phrase all my life, but rarely have I reflected on it.

I think it is a great way to look at life, namely recognizing that by the grace of God all things happen or don't happen. That doesn't mean we don't have free will, but even that is guided by the hand of God. He gives us direction through our thoughts and even when we do or think hurtful, sinful, or even stupid things he is always there guiding us back on track.

God willing we will learn through prayer and reflection how best to listen and respond to him.

I have found that when I trust God that even though it might not be the path with the least suffering that it is always the best path to follow.

Grandpa R.I.P.

2009-10-15T05:45:00.000-07:00

In an hour I will go to my home parish church to celebrate the resurrection mass of my dear Grandpa Jim. I have many fond memories of Grandpa who was truly a joyful man. He loved his family, farming, and playing cards.

He had this lovely silent laugh that I will never forget. He would hear something funny and instead of making the actual sound of a laugh he would tilt his head to the side and back and just make the facial expressions without the sound. He was laughing too hard for sound.

I have a picture of him with me on his knee when I was about two and he is smiling his signature smile and holding a beer in front of me; me smiling and reaching for the beer.

He had a bunch of his grandchildren listening to his stories once in his living room and he was hitting the top of his head and popping his false teeth out, so naturally all of us grandchildren were hitting the tops of our heads trying to pop our teeth out with Grandpa Jim laughing his silent laugh.

Memories of Grandpa playing cards he always had the best memory for counting the cards even when it was close to the end. Oh how he loved life and missed farming and missed Grandma who passed 11 years ago.

I will remember farming with him on hot summer days when the joy of the work just dripped off him like the sweat of the day. He was doing what he loved to do and he was exactly where he wanted to be. He was in the prime of his life and when he had to sell the farm a big part of him died and he started to carry a heavy cross. Now that cross is gone and it is replaced with a brand new John Deere tractor that he can use to plow the fields of the Lord and Lady.

I will miss him, but I am more happy that the baptismal promise he made many years ago is finally fulfilled and he is happy in Paradise where he will look down on us with his silent laugh.

Tough Prayer To Pray

2009-10-13T06:08:00.000-07:00

"If it is for your greater glory, honor, and praise, and if everyone living now, has lived, or will live until the end of time can eventually be admitted into heaven I offer myself in sacrifice to spend eternity in hell with Satan and the evil spirits in the knowledge and conviction that I have done all I could do to love God and neighbor."

I don't know exactly why I feel compelled to make this prayer, maybe it is my bi-polar talking, but I don't think it is. I have a peace about me when I pray it, probably because I have faith that the good God will certainly not take me up on it. My soul is worth more to him than all the damned put together. I struggle with the problem of thinking I'm more merciful than God which is a terrible sin that I always forget to confess. The damned chose their fate and that is a result of their free will and God allows them to choose not to be with him. I just don't understand how any one could freely choose not to be in Paradise forever.

I also have two assurances that God will not take me up on my prayer. When I took my final vows I asked that God grant me everlasting life and he is faithful to his commitments. Also, I wear Our Lady's scapular which promises that the wearer will not suffer eternal fire.

So I think God put it on my heart to make this prayer because he wanted the intention of love as best as I could make, not that the prayer would come true. I seriously mean the prayer, though.

I Have a Perfect Life, But It's Not What I Expected

2009-10-11T05:03:00.000-07:00

If someone were to tell you that they made $12,000/yr. and had a perfect life would you think they were crazy? Well I am. Bi-polar is its name. Crazy or not I do have the perfect life and it is because I am fit for my position.

This is the life I was called to live. It has taken me 40 years to come to my vocation, but I have finally come to the promised land like the Israelites did after 40 years; the irony is not lost on me.

I am basically a hermit spending most of my time alone. I spend a lot of time in prayer, but also a fair amount of time watching and reading news and taking that to prayer. So, even though I spend a lot of time alone, I stay connected with the world.

And as such, I don't require much money to live my life. I don't have a family and I don't have expensive tastes and desires. My staples are pretzels, canned food, and any thing else I can rummage up. Since taking my vow of poverty I've found that it is even possible to live on less and do it happily if not always easily.

I do have desires to hop in my car and go to a nice restaurant, but not very often; most of the time my ideal day is praying as much as possible. I do what so few want to do. I am, to the best of my ability, trying to live out my baptismal commitments, to be: priest, prophet, and king. I live out my life as priest by intercessory prayer, prophet by hearing the Word of God through contemplative prayer, king by receiving comfort and solace from God and neighbor.

Also, my life is perfect because I have the luxury of time. I basically do two things away from home everyday, I go the the Y and I go to church. I can easily do this using the bus.

I am so blessed to live a blessed life. I wish everyone could be as happy as I am. And I am convince that living happily is living the life God has called you to. And there is no easy way to find that out. It takes a lot of prayer.

My Smoking Shrine

2009-10-10T03:35:00.000-07:00

I have a great house. I have my living quarters and then I have my shrine. It consists of a comfortable lawn chair, my picture of the guardian angel helping two small girls across a decrepit bridge, my pipe tobacco smoking things, my Liturgy of the Hours, Rosary, and the most important thing--my image of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Most of the time I sit in my shrine and smoke while gazing at the image of Our Lady and I'm content with that. Recently I've been praying the Liturgy of the Hours everyday in front of my mother.

It may be me hallucinating, but sometimes I actually see her smile; maybe I'm looking at her too much. But she's so beautiful, it's hard to take your eyes off her.

My life is so good right now that I can hardly believe it. Which makes me think that I'm in for a "Job Moment". That's what I call when life is going so good for you that God allows Satan to throw a wrench in the works to, well, I don't know why he allows it to happen only God knows. His ways are so far above our ways, as the heavens are above the earth. Praise be Jesus.

What God chooses or allows to happen to me I know it is the best thing for those who love him and are called according to his purpose and I hope to be one of those blessed ones.

God has been so good to me as I reflect on my life and piece it together. Even the dark times have always been followed by the dawn of unspeakable beauty. God has never allowed the forces of evil to beat the faith out of me even though I have been to the breaking point several times. I, to the best of my memory, have never been mad at God for the dark moments. I have been blessed to always know that it is not God that is behind the darkness; it is my sinfulness or the forces of evil. Never God. We either bring it on ourselves or it is our spiritual and temporal enemies working for our ill. Glory be to God.

Jesus: Love, Mercy, & Justice; Mary: Love & Mercy

2009-10-09T03:07:00.001-07:00

I was thinking about the Blessed Mother (as I often do) and thought what makes her so special. I think it is the way she rules as Queen of Heaven and Earth.

Where as God, and in particular the Second Person of the Trinity, as King of the Universe is infinite Love, Mercy, Truth, Goodness, Beauty, and Justice; Mary is finite, but as big as creation itself: all these things, but not justice.

God in his great Mercy chose not to burden her with the responsibility of meting out justice. She has a mother's heart and all good mothers are not wired to administer punishment; they are so overwhelmingly compassionate. Mary is no different. She is every thing good, so we can turn to her in our difficulties and know that if our requests are turned down by God when they have Mary as an intercessor than the issue is final. On the same score if you have a request bring it to Mary she has a special way with the Trinity since she has a unique relationship with each person: Father, she is his daughter; Son, she is his mother; Holy Spirit, they are spouses.

In a limited sense Mary is everything God is except for Justice. That's how special she is to God. If you took all of creation and compared the love of God to it compared to the love of Mary God would love Mary much more. She is that special. She is the Queen of Heaven and Earth. All the references in Scripture refering to the feminine (e.g. Wisdom) refer to her.

Our Lady's Scapular

2009-10-07T14:18:00.000-07:00

This is a wonderful thing and I was upset when I recently lost mine. It is the spiritual shield of a Catholic. Our Lady has promised that anyone wearing this cloth article around their neck at death will not suffer eternal fire. What a promise.

I bought the scapular I lost on August 14th (the Feast of St. Maximillian Kolbe) with the image of St. Kolbe on it and I had it blessed at the Vigil Mass of the Assumption of Our Lady into heaven: body, soul, and spirit. And since then I have been able to resist the temptations to commit a very terrible sin that I have frequently committed. Our Lady has been very good to me.

So today I bought a new one, St. Therese the Little Flower, she is a very powerful intercessor. I will have Fr. Jim bless it on Mon. when we meet at the Four Seasons. I always look forward to our chats he is so holy and gives great advice.

Just When I Thought My Life Was Set For Awhile

2009-10-07T14:07:00.000-07:00

I did my financial homework and thought I was set for my post-employment life and then it happened. While riding the bus an old aquaintance mentioned that there is a job opening right across the street from me. I think it may be a sign that I'm supposed to remain employed.

This is shortly after I went to Human Services to see if I could get some assistance; I got about $140 a month. A big help. But if I get a job I could donate more to charity, but then I wouldn't have the time for bus ministry and YMCA ministry. I'll have to think about this job thing and they haven't even offered it to me yet, talk about putting the cart before the horse.

Perfection Doesn't Mean Being Flawless

2009-10-06T04:12:00.000-07:00

In sports to be perfect means not having a loss. For instance after the victory against the Packers last night, the Vikings are now 4-0; in football lingo, perfect. Hearing this description of sports teams I thought about the spiritual battle.

Jesus and Mary were the only perfect people we know of who ever lived. The fact that they were perfect means that they won every battle with temptation and never sinned, but that doesn't mean that they never made errors. Jesus may have tripped and fell in the middle of the night, told a joke that embarrassed a friend and then regretted having said it, or hit his thumb with a hammer in his father's carpentry shop.

We do ourselves a disservice when we think we have to be flawless as Christians. We are not called to be flawless; we are called to be perfect.

This is also a way to look at Papal Infallibility. This doesn't mean that the Church will not make misjudgments or need development; it means that in the major spiritual battles it will be perfect; it will not teach error. The Church is the Body of Christ and we all know that Christ is perfect.

Pain

2009-10-05T04:36:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about pain tolerance the other day and I was thinking of how strange it is. For instance right now as I right this post I have a pain in my left shoulder blade that is very annoying. In my opinion I am in real pain; and then I think of the martyrs who endured being burned at the stake, being starved to death, or eaten by lions and did it willingly, even joyfully. And I can't get over a little shoulder pain.

I think it is a matter of love. The Saints endured all because of their love. I don't want to endure a violent death, but if I'm called to that may I endure it well. Amen.

Perspective of Time

2009-10-04T05:10:00.000-07:00

I heard something fascinating the other day. If you comprised the whole of theoretical time (the time since the Big Bang) into a year where would man fit in?

Assuming that the Big Bang happened at 12:00 a.m. on January 1st of the Universal Clock, Christ lived, died, and rose at 11:30 p.m. on December 31st of the Universal Clock.

Makes us special, doesn't it?

Sexless Marraiges

2009-10-03T17:53:00.000-07:00

I just read a fascinating article in First Things about the state of affairs in modern, secular marraiges. It isn't good. Women for the first time since the surveys have been taken are now more unhappy than men. Women are now expected to bring home half of the bacon and still perform their domestic duties. And in addition to that they aren't having sex with their husbands.

As Paul VI predicted with contraception, abortion, and pornography men are devaluing women and the things that the secular culture said would liberate women has enslaved them. I highly recommend the article from one of my favorite periodicals. Pax Christi.

Should Christians Only Listen to Christian Music?

2009-10-03T14:38:00.000-07:00

I have gone back and forth on this issue and I'm not quite settled with my current answer, but here it goes.

If we are mature in our faith we can listen to just about any kind of music with an ear of trying to "baptize" it if it is contrary to the faith. Personally, and I know this is a common answer by young people when confronted about questionable music, I have trouble hearing lyrics in music other than at Mass when I have the words right in front me. So I pick my music based on the sound rather than the words. That being said I do sometimes hear the words and some of the music I listen to I wouldn't play for my mother, but she's kind of a prude.

I think the standard is if Jesus was in the room with you when you were listening would he be ashamed of you. I think it is all right to use bad language if you are truly struggling for answers, but are on a quest for the good, true, and beautiful. If you are just using bad language and bad images for the shock value, and you can tell by most artists, that is not healthy. But all of us are at different stages of our journey and often it is helpful to hear from the struggling artists.

Saint of Auschwitz

2009-10-03T14:05:00.000-07:00

On the feast of St. Therese the Little Flower on October 1st, I stopped in at my favorite store in Manitowoc. It's a book and gift store and I can never leave without buying some thing. Well on this occasion I found a little book that I wanted, but there was no price on it. So I went to the cashier, Tiphany, who I know, and told her that I was going to take the book but that she should tell the owner who coincidentally is named Therese that she should let me know how much it costs and I'll pay for it later. Well she never called. Cool, free book!

The book is on St. Maxmillian Kolbe who was martyred in Auschwitz voluntarily taking the place of another condemned man. I have an affinity to this man for several reasons: we share the same birthday, he remained pure his whole life and this is something I struggle with, his face is on the scapular that I wear, and since his feast day (August 14) when my scapular was purchased and blessed I have remained pure. A major feat of which I attribute to the intercession of St. Kolbe.

Asteroids

2009-10-03T13:35:00.000-07:00

I just found the classic '80s arcade game "Asteroids" on the Internet! I'm having a lot of fun playing it while I listen to Pandora on a lazy Saturday afternoon. I spent a lot of quarters playing this game in the day and now I play it for free from the comfort of my couch. Gotta love technology.

Short Attention Span

2009-10-03T13:14:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it is the culture we live in or whether it is the culture I grew up in, but I find it very difficult to keep my attention on anything for longer than a few minutes. I prefer short articles, poems, TV shows, movies, novels, and blog posts.

If you've read any of my other posts you realize that my entries are off-the-cuff reflections on life, and usually short. I just can't string enough thoughts and ideas together into a coherent whole for an extended length. I guess that's why we are the Twitter generation.

New Prayer Intention

2009-10-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

I've started to offer all my prayers, sufferings, joys, sorrows, accomplishments, failures--everything for the intentions of the Blessed Mother Mary. In her hands everything goes according to the Will of God. She is creation's solitary boast.

Bus Ministry

2009-10-03T00:24:00.000-07:00

I think the word "ministry" gets tossed around too easily these days (so I'm contradicting myself here), but what I do on the bus as I travel around Manitowoc is close. I simply be.

As I travel I try to greet everyone who meets my eye with a smile or a hello and most of the time that is the only contact I have with them, but at least they know that someone cares about them and that's more than a lot of people get in a day. In addition to that I try to start up conversations, most of the time it is the weather or Packers, but I'm building relationships.

It's not Mother Theresa-esque, but I do what I can. Pax Christi.

The Game of World Conquest

2009-10-02T05:01:00.000-07:00

I am not cut out to be a world leader. I have played several games of Risk and I always lose. I just don't have the strategic mind to command numerous armies to victory. But that's all right. I have another way to conquer the world; I will do it through prayer.

I want to get all of God's children into Heaven. But I will not do this as a leader; I am a follower. I think our society does a disservice to itself when it glorifies leaders to the exclusion of the rest of us. The vast majority of people will not be leaders, but those who are not leaders are meant to feel inferior because they are not leaders (i.e. important).

The greatest thing you can do with your free will is to submit it to the Will of the King and Queen of Heaven because they are the only leaders we need. And in the irony of ironies they are followers of someone else; namely, the Father who art in Heaven.

For sure there are leaders of all stripes at all levels and their work is important, but for me I will be the servant of all the world. By doing what so few are willing or able to do I will do the grunt work, prayer. I want to be the lowest Private in the Army of Our Lady.

I don't want honors or praises I just want to stand in the middle of the battlefield where all the spiritual bombs and grenades are going off and intercede for the rest of the world: past, present, and future to the Son and Mother of God. This is my desire and wish. I want to end my life knowing that I have done all I could to love God and neighbor and even enemy.

Lord, grant that I may do your Will and I know your Will, it is to love with all my heart, mind, and strengh. Glory, honor, and praise to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit and in taking orders from our leader, the General of the Spiritual Army, Mary Immaculate.

Donkey/Ass of Christ

2009-10-01T16:59:00.000-07:00

I have an amendment to an earlier blog entry; I don't want to be the Dog of Christ any more, I want to be the Ass of Christ.

As a Christian I am told that I am a member of the Mystical Body of Christ, I want to be the ass. I came upon this desire while looking at a stained glass window of the flight into Egypt of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. There was Joseph standing strong beside Mary with Mary holding the baby Jesus; riding on an ass/donkey.

There are four beings in that picture: the baby Son of God, the Mother of God, the holy Saint Joseph, and me. Or rather I hope and pray that I am the ass in that picture. What a great honor it would be to give relief to the weary Son and Mother of God. I can't think of a greater honor.

To be granted such a great honor can only come from the King and Queen of the Universe, there is nothing I can do to merit it or no amount of effort on my part will "earn" it for me, this I know, but I do want it. I want to be the throne that gives comfort to Jesus and Mary as they rule all of creation. God is good.

There are apostles, prophets, bishops, priests, nuns, popes, angels, and saints; and I am not called to be any of these but an ass and I count myself the most blessed of all. Oh, to know what you are called to be and know that it is uniquely for me. Of all creation, past, present, and future, I am called to be the one who carries Christ to Egypt and back and carries him into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday. God is too good to me.

St. Therese

2009-10-01T04:08:00.000-07:00

Today is the feast of St. Therese and four years since I made my most generous charitable gift.

On October 1, 2005, I donated $4, 200 to The Greatest Gift Catholic Book and Gift Store in honor of Therese and John Paul the Great in thanksgiving for their powerful intercession. And I really believe that Therese caused me to write the check; it was as if she wrote the check and I just held the pen; it was like a holy spiritual possession.

$4, 200 because 4/2/05 is the day that John Paul entered into eternal life. It was a very powerful day for me. It was the day that I got through the Bible for the first time, cover to cover; the day of the most powerful confession of my life; the day John Paul was relieved of his suffering; and the day The Greatest Gift opened its doors. That's a lot for one day!

In thanksgiving and because the store needed help, I made the donation. Now that donation is over a third of what I make in a year. In other words I can't make that donation any more.

Sleeping a Lot Again

2009-10-01T03:52:00.000-07:00

Slept 10 hours last night and I don't like this trend. I am falling back into the rut of sleeping too much. I have a meeting with my doctor on Friday; I hope we can do something.

I was able to spend a lot of fruitful time in church yesterday, though. I spent about four hours in the chapel and I felt very close to the Lord. He really is wonderful. And I realized that when I am feeling the good, warm feelings that that is when God realizes that I need him more than anyone else so he is lifting me on his shoulders like a small child. When he is silent and it is spiritually cold, that is when he needs to help someone else or needs to do something else that is important. These times are difficult, but they are joyful too because they mean that God is saying that I am able to stand on my own for a little while. But I need him always and he can be everywhere at once, why does he need to leave at all?

I think it is a game of divine "peek a boo". He hides his face so we can be all the more happy when we see it again. Here on earth we are not able to take in the full truth, goodness, and beauty that is the Lord so he gives it to us in bits. In heaven we will see the full and uninterupted Jesus, right now we just can't take it.

Depression on the Way

2009-09-30T06:06:00.000-07:00

Today I feel like I am in for a long dip in my mood. I've had decreased energy for the last few days, but I thought it was just a passing thing. Now I think I might be in for a depression for at least a month.

I have been seeing my doctor weekly, but that doesn't seem to help much. When dealing with the mania the meds work so quickly, but when working with the depression the meds don't kick in right away. It is frustrating. I just want to be normal. I want to have good days and bad days, not delusionally ecstatic days and suicidally down days. I want off the roller coaster.

It does help writing this down though. I live alone and it is not always possible to talk to someone in person so it does seem to be somewhat real to put down my thoughts in this blog.

I went from sleeping two hours a day to sleeping 11 hours last night. I don't want to spend half my life in bed, no one does. Am I going to be like this forever or will I eventually find the balance in my life that has escaped me my whole adult life. In a twisted way do I really want the typical life or do I really crave the extremes of Bi-polar?

Really I just want to do God's will. That may seem trite, but I think I really do. I say think I really do because I don't know what I really want. I like to think of myself as smart, but really my thinking is quite distorted. I can't focus on anything for a significant amount of time and that's probably why my blogs are so scatter-brained; I just write what comes to mind.

I'm ashamed to say it, but I think I will be a Saint for the mentally ill. Since no one else is likely to read this blog because I am alone in this world I can be bold and unreserved. It is a strong desire of mine to be the Dog of Christ in Heaven. I want to be the one to get his paper, grab his beer from the fridge, go for long walks alone with him, give him sloppy kisses while my tail wags, keep him warm on cold, winter nights, and just be his most faithful servant for all of eternity; that would be complete happiness for me.

But to be granted so great a grace for all of eternity I need to start doing it now. I need to spend all my time with him and serve him. I need to be the Dog of Christ here on earth. If the Church is the Body of Christ then when I serve one of the members I am serving Christ. I need to be the servant of everyone on earth and I will do that primarily through my prayer before the Blessed Sacrament. By serving the Eucharistic Lord, by being his dog, I am being the dog of every man, woman, and child who is living now, has lived, and will live. By laying at the feet of the Lord here and now I am doing it everywhere and always. Lord, you are too good to me. I can feel the depression leaving me. Off to the chapel to be a dog of Christ. May you also find your role in the eternal drama. Pax!

2009-09-29T17:45:00.000-07:00

Early Retirement

2009-09-29T11:49:00.000-07:00

Well, after thinking about it for years and going through a lot of junk at my most recent job, I finally took the plunge into poverty.

I will be selling my car and will be relying on bike, foot, and bus to get around. I'm a little scared and unsure if I can do it, but mostly I'm at peace about it. It is time for me to truly live poverty, the poverty that I vowed.

Developing....

The Wisconsin Theory of Holiness

2009-09-28T01:32:00.000-07:00

Here it goes. This is going to be weird, but I think there is some truth in it. The holiness of the soul or whole person can be compared to a block of cheese.

If you are full of grace, namely completely holy, your block of cheese is solid. It has no holes. If you are the devil it is as if the block of cheese doesn't exist because the block of cheese is ALL holes.

The rest of us are some where in between, we are Swiss cheese, some substance and some emptiness. The more substance we have the more cheese we have and the holier we are. So one way of understanding holiness is being what you were made to be.

Jesus says in the Sermon on the Mount that we must be perfect like our Heavenly Father and I believe that only the perfect will get into Heaven so our goal is to be a complete block of cheese now or wait for the purification in Purgatory.

Saving Money

2009-09-24T16:03:00.000-07:00

Part of the vow of poverty is living more simply and that means spending less money. In order to do that I am constantly looking for ways to save money. My most recent way of doing that is riding the bus as much as I can. I ride it to church to fulfill my promise to spend time in church before the Blessed Sacrament every day and I have been taking the bus to the YMCA. Just using it for those two things have saved money.

Usually I spend between $100 and $120 a month on gas. So I am spending about $30 every 10 days. I filled up on the 13th and now it is the 24th and I still have 3/4 of a tank. The bus pass is $20/mo. and that is for unlimited rides. As I get more used to the system I assume that I will be able to use it even more.

An other way I am saving money is trying to minimize my impulse buying. This one is tough because a lot of people are payed a lot of money to get us to do just that. But I have been somewhat successful. My main weekness is a nicotine addiction: pipe tocacco and snus. I spend about $50 a month on tobacco and I know it is bad for me and I could be directing that money in a better direction, but I do enjoy it and I know that the good Lord wants us to enjoy the gifts of the earth also.

I have been better at the impulse buying at work. I work in a convenience store and it is very easy to get lured into buying the donuts, Doritos, Fritos, Cheetos, Hershey bars, and sports drinks. This past month I only bought snus (tobacco).

I look at all I have as gift and dedicate it all to God. It is all his and he can have it all, but I know he wants me to enjoy what he has given to me because he is the greatest, most generous Being in the universe. If I want good things for others in my imperfect, limited way how much more does a perfect God want good things for us?

Blessed Be the Lord!!!

Trying To Do The Will of God

2009-09-24T04:21:00.000-07:00

When I made my final vows on July 6th, 2009, I made the promise to try to always do the will of God. This, as you know, is hard to do. I have had insights on what I need to do at times, but often it is difficult to know what God wants me to do.

I think it has something to do with really knowing him in order to know what he wants. Not knowing about him in the sense that he is all powerful, knowing, and present, but knowing that he really hates sin and what it does. He loves us so much that he hurts, in the way that God hurts, when we break our covenant with him. He is Love and pure, perfect love hurts when the beloved doesn't accept the gifts He wants to give us.

The Eucharist, the highest form of Catholic worship, is translated from the Greek word for "thanks" and that's what God wants from us. A simple thanks. Not to return in kind what God gives to us as if under obligation, but to receive the gift with gratitude and the knowledge that we are poor and need the graces and help from God to get through every moment.

Gratitude is not listed among the main virtues, but I think it should. That really is all we can give to God. He has everything else. Even the gratitude we give him is his because he prompts us to give thanks, but gratitude is different because it is something that God doesn't give to us. God doesn't thank us. He has no reason to.

I still don't necessarily know what God wants me to do to fulfill his will, but I think it does have to do with gratitude. He wants me to be thankful knowing that nothing good comes from anywhere else than Him.

Our Lady

2009-09-22T05:55:00.000-07:00

I have a problem with the Mother of God; I'm jealous of her.

She went her whole life without committing the slightest sin and I can't go a whole day without doing it. She was so pleasing to God and I feel like I am just a big disappointment. She must have had such intimacy and I feel so distant.

It is true that she did have an advantage, namely that she didn't suffer from original sin, but that is little comfort to me. If I was born without original sin I'm sure I would have fallen. She just amazes me. She must have been attacked relentlessly by the devil because he must have known that she would be the bearer of the Christ Child and he must have wanted to corrupt her more than anyone else.

Her purity is beyond compare and her virtue off the charts. I have tried to love her, but my jealousy always gets in the way. I try to pray to her, but it just seems as dry as stubble. How can I get past it?

I can appreciate her, but I just can't seem to love her. I think part of it is that I have such an incredible biological mother and have a hard time believing that Mary is better than her. Intellectually I know she is, but my heart will not follow. I have heard if you take all the love of all mothers for their children that it would not add up to the love that Mary has for each of us. I find this hard to believe because I know of the love that my mother has for me and it is intense. Often when I think of my mother and father I think of Mary and Joseph because they are just incredible parents.

My parents have gone through a lot. Two of their three children have Bi-Polar Disorder and I know it has been hard on them. My Bi-Polar has been tough on me, but I know it has been tougher on them. Particularly my mother she has never told me, but I suspect that she somehow blames herself for my disability. But does Mary suffer even more?

I can't get it into my heart, but my faith tells me that she suffers for all her children in whatever affliction they have even though she is perfectly happy in Heaven. If you ever see a statue or painting of Mary she always has a neutral expression on her face, neither happy nor sad. The emotions she feels cannot be expressed in art. I suspect she is perfectly happy, but still sad because all her children are not. She loves so much that like the perfect mother she is, she is not content unless her children are.

I am still jealous of her, but I would not want her place because she was uniquely made for her role. God puts us in our roles for a reason and I am still trying to figure out mine, but hopefully I will find peace. She has the highest place in Heaven after God and I will never be as close to Him as she is and I stuggle with that. I am a very ambitious person and love Our Lord very much, but my love is a drop in the bucket compared to the ocean of love she has for him and I'm jealous of that.

Maybe it is a good jealousy, but I doubt that it is. She was given the grace to be great and she responded to it with great virtue that she developed over her life and I have been granted great graces and I have wasted them on thinking I was better than others, sexual sins, laziness, pride, lust, envy, gluttony, and by entertaining evil thoughts. She was simply loving and humble.

Heaven will be ordered by how we love and she simply loved more than the rest of us. My jealousy is not good. I should be happy and grateful for her like I should be happy and grateful for all that do good. I should be happy when good things happen for others, but instead I think "Why not me?" and stay stuck in my sins.

I hope I can eventually find some peace in my relation with Mary, but for now I guess I'll just have to pray that she will pray for me and help me to love her and appreciate her and all others who love Our Lord more than me. Hopefully I can spend eternity loving her better than I am capable today.

Mary, Mother of your jealous son, pray for me.

Mania

2009-09-21T03:38:00.000-07:00

I have just recently come out of a nearly manic episode. I have bi-polar and with that comes the extreme highs and the extreme lows.

This one was a close call. I had a shouting match with my boss; I thought I had special powers; and I was living on about 1 hour of sleep a day. The mania, or near mania, is very addicting. You feel like you are the most important person on the planet and think you can do anything. But it never lasts and there is always a crash. Except this time.

I've had this disability for 15 years and this is the first time that it hasn't spiralled out of control. This time I reached out for help before it got too late. I talked to my parents, my doctor, my spiritual director, my ex-fiance, and other friends. In other words, I didn't just turn in on myself and think that I could master the disease like I have in the past. This is a major step forward.

I don't usually give advice to other people with mental illnesses, but I would say that you should reach out for help. I am stubborn and try to solve all my problems on my own, but I am slowly realizing that it is alright to ask for help and be dependent on others. We are all in this life together.

Riding the Bus

2009-09-19T19:43:00.000-07:00

Having a car and living the vow of poverty doesn't seem compatible to me. That's why I am seriously thinking of selling my car. Right now I am working basically to pay for my car. That doesn't make sense to me especially when you consider I rarely leave the city I live in.

For the past week I have been trying to live without my car. Since Monday I haven't used it. I don't plan on using it until this Monday when I go into work. I will use my car again because the bus doesn't go to that part of town.

I have taken the bus to church, to pick up medication, to go to my doctor's office, to go to the YMCA, to a coffee shop, and to the library. That's what I use my car for anyway. Why not do all this for $20/mo. instead of the roughly $350/mo. I spend on my car?

Impulse Spending

2009-09-19T19:23:00.000-07:00

One of the things I've had to get used to since I've taken the vow of poverty is curbing my spending habits. I still have money, I haven't completely become destitute, but it is a lot less than I'm used to.

I make about 12,000 dollars a year as a single person and the federal poverty level is 10,800. So, in the eyes of the government I am not poor. Actually, I am quite rich. I have a warm place to sleep; I have a reliable car; I have cable TV; I have internet, and I rarely go to bed hungry unless I am fasting (I fast on bread and water on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays).

So how do I define poverty? The model I use is quite simple. I have my needs, my wants, and most importantly I have my charitable giving. In my monthly budget I start with what I give back to God. Right now I make $1000/mo. and am giving roughly $160/mo. in charity. The rest of my money is spent on needs and wants. I cannot spend more money on wants than charity. That's how I live poverty, not spending more on my wants than on my return to God from whom all my gifts come.

Prayer Before Sex

2009-09-19T03:48:00.000-07:00

Recently I read that a diocese published a prayer that they recommended married people should pray before having intercourse. And I thought "Why is this news?"

The marital act is the most sacred thing that the couple will do together and has the potential of creating an eternal human person. Awesome stuff. Shouldn't incredibly important actions be preceded by prayer?

What If Germany Won WWII?

2009-09-19T03:17:00.000-07:00

I am almost done reading a book titled, "Fatherland" about the fate of the world if the Third Reich survived past 1944. I am disappointed that it focused more on the murder mystery aspect of the story and not on life in a world run by fascists, but I think the mere thought of it raises interesting questions.

What about the freedom of the press, assembly, religion, redress for wrongs, the Bill of Rights, travel, and other things too numerous to mention?

And also, what if the USSR had won the Cold War? What would that mean for our life here in the US of A?

Maybe I've just bought into the propaganda of our country, but for all the warts of America we have it pretty good. Our republic isn't a utopia, but we are better off than the vast majority of the world. We have the freedom to do just about anything we want which means God will judge us more harshly than those under repressive regimes. We can more easily follow our consciences. There are few restrictions on us. That's why we need to vote and have a properly informed vote. We cannot become jaded and think that there is nothing we can do about the ills of society. We can change the world for the better.

Dreams

2009-09-19T02:52:00.000-07:00

Dreams are very mysterious. The Bible speaks of dreams having profound meaning; Joseph foretelling the fate of Egypt, Joseph (foster father of Jesus) being told to marry Mary, the same Joseph instructed to flee to Egypt for the sake of the child Jesus, Pilate's wife tormented by the nightmare that Jesus should be released, etc.

My own experience with dreams is bizarre. I have very strange dreams, but I can barely remember them. That seems contradictory, but it isn't. Many times the only thing I remember about my dreams is that they were wierd. I even remember that I have recurring dreams, but don't remember what is recurring. Does anyone else experience this?

I have very vivid dreams, but they are hard to get any sense of them. I for some reason think that all dreams are the main way that the spirit world communicates with us. So, since I can't remember what I dream, I am missing out on the messages from above.

Sweet dreams.

Health Care

2009-09-18T18:01:00.000-07:00

I know this won't be popular with some of you, but I think we need to take a deep breath when it comes to the proposed health care plans. Whatever happens it is in God's hands.

What is the worst thing that could happen? You die a miserable death. If a person lived to the ripe old age of 100 and spent the whole time in misery and torture, but died in the state of grace they would spend eternity in the joy of the presence of the Lord. In the face of eternity, 100 years is less than a hiccup.

I don't wish harm on anyone and I believe those involved in the health care debate harbor no ill will, either. Health care is broken and needs to be fixed. The costs are unsustainable and there are too many uninsured. What I hope will happen is that the president's plan will fail, but will wake up the private sector to get their house in order.

We need to advocate for what we believe is the best for the common good, but in the final analysis it is in God's hands and we need to trust him.

The Reason For This Blog

2009-09-18T17:31:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know me; I am an anchorite.

An anchorite is basically someone like a hermit, but has more interaction with people. Like priests and nuns I have taken vows, namely vows of chastity, poverty, and obedience.

My perspective is different from most because I represent a very small minority of people. If you took all the anchorites in the world you could probably fit them in a small banquet hall. That's only a guess, but in my 40 years I have never met a fellow anchorite.

This blog will deal with a wide range of issues from the perspective of a poor, celibate, obedient Catholic Christian.